Broken People by Robert M. Drake

I yearn for broken things.

For the things

that make drunk lovers

fall into eachother

in the middle of the night

and the things

that keep them up

while the rest of the world

is asleep.

I love you,

I need you to break me,

and I don’t want you

to apologize

for it

at all.

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

Magnets

Magnets.

They pull together.

One is drawn towards the other.

It is their nature.

You hold the magnets just close enough, you can’t pull them apart.

The draw is too strong.

 

We pulled apart.  It felt unnatural.  Sudden.

Yet, the draw is there.

You came back.

I never left.

 

We tried so hard to move one, to live our lives apart.

But now, here we are.

Staring into each other’s eyes hating and loving how strongly we care for each other.

How connected we are.

It’s in our nature.

 

We tried to force a change.  But like magnets, we were made for this connection.

We couldn’t pull apart successfully.  We came back together.

You were drawn to me despite everything.

I’m drawn to you.  To your spirit.  To your heart.

My heart tugs and pulls in your direction no matter how hard I try to fight it.

 

I’m linked to you.  We are linked together.

Our spirits can’t help but come back together.  They tug at us till we are joined again.

Like magnets, we can’t help it.

This force that is inexplicably powerful.

This force that brings me back to you.

 

 

 

Glass

Glass hearts, so fragile, so easy to break.

Broken glass.

My heart is shattered.  Shards of broken pieces stab my insides.  Moving forward hurts.  Moving backwards hurts more.

Maybe I love the feeling of pain.  Maybe I love brokenness and depression because it makes me feel something.

Maybe I love getting hurt over and over again because I deserve it.

Maybe I love giving a piece of myself to people so freely…

Broken pieces of my heart trail behind me.  A part of me I gave to someone.  Someone who didn’t want it.  A part of me is broken.  A sliver of my heart missing…

In the pain, I see in blue.  The world is bleak; more so am I.

I’m angry.  I’m furious.

I’m fragile.

I see in red.  I bleed anger, frustration, hate.

I bleed brokenness.

I bleed from the cuts of broken glass.

I bleed for my heart.

I am broken.

I am glass.

 

Death

Death.

The thing everyone fears.

The end.

The dark…

I’m not afraid.

I feel a connection

To the blackness.

This dark side of me

Has no fear.

I embrace it.

I embrace sin.

I’m connected to death.

Death is a part of me.

Every dark corner in the hollows of my mind

Resembles death.

Death is darkness.

Darkness is death.

Is fear.

I’m numb.

I carry the dark in my heart

Along with the light.

But the darkness invites me.

Soothes me…

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

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