I never knew grief until that day,
When I came home to find my brother
Sobbing on the kitchen floor.
His chest heaving with heartbreak,
Desperate whimpers escaping his mouth.
All I could do was stand there
In complete and utter shock.
“Jackie passed away this morning”.
Those ugly words rang in my ears
Jackie couldn’t be, be gone.
My sister couldn’t be…
I didn’t know what it meant to “lose” someone –
Or what that would even look like
Until that day.
That horrible, awful day.
How pathetic it is to say “lose”
When death is such a life shattering,
Existentially confusing thing
That changes your whole reality.
Such a simple word
For a thing that can’t be explained.
Losing my sister feels like
pounds of rocks weighing on my shoulders,
Holding me down
While a void of emptiness consumes my stomach.
It is feeling overwhelmed and numb all at once,
Heavy but empty.
It’s my heart being stabbed slowly – and deeply
Like I’m bleeding from the inside out
Till I can’t take it anymore.
It’s crying until
It’s impossible to shed
I never knew grief.
The day I saw her
Was the worst day of my life.
Her once beautiful and lively body
Laying pale, limp and empty
In that white casket.
My mind was spiraling down,
Down into a dark abyss.
I kept waiting,
At her till she would
She never moved.
Her chest didn’t rise and fall
With the beat of her heart.
Her hands weren’t warm
With blood coursing through them.
She was dead.
She is dead.
I never knew grief,
And now I don’t wish it