Grief

I never knew grief until that day,

When I came home to find my brother 

Sobbing on the kitchen floor.

His chest heaving with heartbreak,

Desperate whimpers escaping his mouth.

All I could do was stand there 

In complete and utter shock.

“Jackie passed away this morning”.

Those ugly words rang in my ears

Jackie couldn’t be, be gone. 

My sister couldn’t be… 

I didn’t know what it meant to “lose” someone –

Or what that would even look like

Until that day.

That horrible, awful day.

How pathetic it is to say “lose”

When death is such a life shattering,

Mind boggling,

Existentially confusing thing

That changes your whole reality.

Such a simple word

For a thing that can’t be explained.

Losing my sister feels like

pounds of rocks weighing on my shoulders,

Holding me down 

While a void of emptiness consumes my stomach.

It is feeling overwhelmed and numb all at once,

Heavy but empty.

It’s my heart being stabbed slowly – and deeply

Like I’m bleeding from the inside out

Till I can’t take it anymore. 

It’s crying until 

It’s impossible to shed

Another tear.

Another tear…

I never knew grief. 

The day I saw her

Was the worst day of my life.

Her once beautiful and lively body

Laying pale, limp and empty

In that white casket.

My mind was spiraling down,

Down into a dark abyss.

I kept waiting, 

Hoping

Staring 

At her till she would 

Sit up,

Smile,

Laugh,

Anything.

She never moved.

Her chest didn’t rise and fall

With the beat of her heart.

Her hands weren’t warm

With blood coursing through them.

She was dead.

She is dead.

I never knew grief,

And now I don’t wish it

On anyone.