It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

Nothing: Commentary on Emptiness & Dependence

I wrote this poem to comment on emptiness and the dependence women put on men to feel worthy, happy and whole.  Hell, I often feel like I need a man to be complete – but I don’t.  Only I have the power to feel whole and complete, and for me, I find that in my faith in God.  But sometimes I misplace my value and my joy in other people and undeserving men.  When I do this, I feel empty.  I feel like nothing.

Ladies, listen up.  You are worthy.  Only you can make yourself whole.  And your happiness should depend on you – not a man!  I hope you enjoy this poem as it hits close to home…

My body is shaking.
My soul feels battered and broken.

When?

Why?
I loved you.
And I still do.

I gave you everything,
Every single part of me.
I was loyal.
We were perfect.
Were…

My mind is spinning.
My heart is racing.
I’m going to pass out.

I want to cry.
But there are no more tears to shed.
Like trying to drink from an empty pool of water.
There’s nothing…

I’m nothing.
I’m empty.

When?
Why?
What did I do?
How could I have fixed this?

I want to kneel at his feet.
I want to beg him to come back.
Come back to me…

But I can’t.
He’s gone.
I’m alone.
I’m nothing.

I just want a straight answer –
When did you fall out of love with me?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
What did I do wrong?
How can we start over?

I want him back.
I need him back.
His love is all I had.
Now I have nothing.
I am nothing…

Because I Love You

 

Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love the way you smile,
The way your eyes light up
When you talk about things you adore.
I love the way you snore in your sleep,
The way you twitch and bump into me as you doze off.
I love the ways in which you talk to others,
Treat others,
Welcome others.
I love the way you carry yourself,
Despite your own insecurities.
I love your dedication,
Your hard work.
Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love you,
And I pray for your heart every morning.
As the birds sing praises,
I eagerly give all to God.
I give Him you.
You know I love you – but…
But you are not well, my darling.
You are torn, fighting yourself on the inside.
You don’t love yourself,
I can see that.
Remember that I love you,
And because I love you I am letting you go.
I want you to heal,
To grow
And to love yourself.
Now is not our time,
And it’s okay.
Our time may be later,
But for now I love you.
Because I love you,
I am letting you go…

When is it worth living…

How do you know if life is worth living?
You have hopes and dreams and fall in love…
But it never works out.
You put your joy in people – undeserving.
You love them and give them your all.
But no.
They leave.
They rip your heart out with their own hands,
Each tug spreading sharp pains through your chest –
You can’t breathe.
It’s suffocating, like being held underwater.
But then you stop fighting,
And you let the water fill your weary lungs till it’s gone…

I’m drowning.
He’s gone.
He used me,
He made me think I was special,
Then he left,
Leaving me to feel worthless.
I have no value.
I have no hope.
I have no one.
Is my life worth living,
When surrounded by pain and heartache?
Is it worth allowing people to use me, to destroy me,
To make me question my value as a woman?
It’s not fair.
This life isn’t fair.
When is it worth living…

Naivety: A Personal Narrative From Then to Now

Oh how I remember those sweet goodnight text messages, you know, the ones with heart emojis and loving words. I remember the feel of his lips upon mine, the sound of his voice, the fit of my hand in his…
I thought I was happy.
He would come visit me at work and I would smile so wide everytime. I ran into his arms and hugged him. His cologne embraced me even after he left. Why did he visit so often? Because it’s what I wanted him to do.
We would cuddle up together with blankets and pillows and watch a movie. I loved putting a hand to his chest to feel the beat of his heart. It gave me reassurance.
“You’re the ideal woman”, “You’re perfect”, “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen”, he always said. I could feel the heat rise in my face as I blushed and offered kisses as a thank you for his kind words. I felt butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I was so naive, so love struck.
I thought we had so much in common. I thought I enjoyed when he talked about cars and all the ways he was going to fix up his truck. I would smile and nod, yet our conversations were never deeper than the surface. It would come with time though, right? It never did.
At dinner one night, I asked my family how they liked my boyfriend. My dad never said a word. He never liked him; whether it was because Tristan was simply a boy dating me or because he could see through him, I don’t know.
My mom and I were deceived. We would settle on the couch for “boy talk” and she’d always ask, “Has Tristan said anything sweet today?”. Both of us loved the way he spoke.
But after a while, Tristan stopped telling me sweet nothings. He was busy with work, struggling in his faith, he had no friends and a poor relationship with his family. I was there; I thought that’s all he needed.
I needed more.
He was so busy that he came by late at night; I was exhausted from homework and staying up late just to see him prolonged my exhaustion for the next day at school. I wanted more from him. I wanted to have enough time with him to go on a date, to have a deep conversation and feel intellectually attracted to him as well. Instead, the physical attraction is what held us together. I sacrificed personal values for his pleasure. I sacrificed what I wanted to make him happy.
I always thought we were healthy together. Oh, how I was wrong. I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t have those deep conversations, yet I couldn’t stop loving him.
Blessedly, we ended.
I lay in bed, crying myself to sleep and waking up with dark circles under my puffy red eyes. Wasn’t I supposed to marry him? How can I just let the person I love go? How do I walk away from this?
He wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t know that then, I didn’t know we were so wrong for each other till I recovered from the heart ache. I know now what I need in a man. I know I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my values in order to preserve a relationship that clearly isn’t working. I know what I want, and though he was all I wanted for a long time, he was not what I needed.

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