Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Nothing: Commentary on Emptiness & Dependence

I wrote this poem to comment on emptiness and the dependence women put on men to feel worthy, happy and whole.  Hell, I often feel like I need a man to be complete – but I don’t.  Only I have the power to feel whole and complete, and for me, I find that in my faith in God.  But sometimes I misplace my value and my joy in other people and undeserving men.  When I do this, I feel empty.  I feel like nothing.

Ladies, listen up.  You are worthy.  Only you can make yourself whole.  And your happiness should depend on you – not a man!  I hope you enjoy this poem as it hits close to home…

My body is shaking.
My soul feels battered and broken.

When?

Why?
I loved you.
And I still do.

I gave you everything,
Every single part of me.
I was loyal.
We were perfect.
Were…

My mind is spinning.
My heart is racing.
I’m going to pass out.

I want to cry.
But there are no more tears to shed.
Like trying to drink from an empty pool of water.
There’s nothing…

I’m nothing.
I’m empty.

When?
Why?
What did I do?
How could I have fixed this?

I want to kneel at his feet.
I want to beg him to come back.
Come back to me…

But I can’t.
He’s gone.
I’m alone.
I’m nothing.

I just want a straight answer –
When did you fall out of love with me?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
What did I do wrong?
How can we start over?

I want him back.
I need him back.
His love is all I had.
Now I have nothing.
I am nothing…

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

The Mind

The sun is shining but I’m left in the dark.
A fog blurs my mind like a haunting ghost.

It’s warm outside,
But my body is still cold.

What is wrong with me?
Should I drink some tea?
Can I ignore the tension in my brain?

Oh you’re fine, my mind reassures me.
Maybe it’s lack of sleep!
Tossing and turning in bed all night,
Staring at the mesmerizing moonlight.

I stand in the mirror,
A figure stares back at me.

Hello?
Who is that?

Grey eyes look into mine,
Dark circles hang beneath like heavy clouds,
Clouds ready to burst.

Cheeks are gaunt,
Lips are pursed.
Unattractive.

Am I too skinny?
Do I eat more?

I sit with a plate of food before me,
But I’m not hungry,
Never am because of the pills,
The pills that get me through the day.

My body hurts for no reason,
Muscles sting with each movement,
A knife sits on the table,

Should I make it worse?
Add to the pain that already exists?
No.

It’s warm outside,
And my body is still cold.

I hold on to what I know,
My reality.
The fog in my mind,
And the ache combined.

When is it worth living…

How do you know if life is worth living?
You have hopes and dreams and fall in love…
But it never works out.
You put your joy in people – undeserving.
You love them and give them your all.
But no.
They leave.
They rip your heart out with their own hands,
Each tug spreading sharp pains through your chest –
You can’t breathe.
It’s suffocating, like being held underwater.
But then you stop fighting,
And you let the water fill your weary lungs till it’s gone…

I’m drowning.
He’s gone.
He used me,
He made me think I was special,
Then he left,
Leaving me to feel worthless.
I have no value.
I have no hope.
I have no one.
Is my life worth living,
When surrounded by pain and heartache?
Is it worth allowing people to use me, to destroy me,
To make me question my value as a woman?
It’s not fair.
This life isn’t fair.
When is it worth living…

Don’t Leave Me

His lips soft against mine. Then more pressing. Hands sliding down my body, gently, slowly. Touching every inch of me. They please me. They make me cry out. But then it hurts.
Then, I touch him. I glide my tongue along him. I tease him with my plump lips. Please him with my body. Ever so slowly. Ever so longingly…
The night ends. My legs shake from exhaustion, our hearts beat restlessly together. His chest moves up and down strongly. I watch mesmerized.
At a last embrace I cling to him. To his strong body. His muscular arms wrap around my fragile figure like a fortress. I am safe. I am protected. I am weak.
“Don’t leave me,” I want to beg.
His body is warm against my skin. It gives me chills of comfort. I shiver.
Our lips meet one last time, and I want to cry. He leaves. Slowly, turning to give me a grin before escaping.
I shut the door. The door, a prison gate. And suddenly I’m alone. Lonely.
I lay in bed, craving his nearness. I yearn for him to hold me while I sleep. Maybe his presence can keep the nightmares away. The trembling. The crying.
I’m alone. Thinking, remembering and embracing the idea of how his skin felt upon mine. How he felt inside me… My body aches.
The dark of night seemed to surround me, haunt me and crowd me. I felt constricted. Afraid. Nervous.
Alone. Alone confuses me. Alone attacks me. I am uncertain of myself. But with him I feel certain. Oh how I crave his closeness.
Once alone I ponder my choices, my soul and my mind. I think till I want to carve my brain out of my skull. I dig myself into a never ending hole. I dig my own grave.
It’s as though I can feel the dirt being poured onto my chest. The weight breathtaking.
I need touch. I need him. I need help.
Alone frightens me. I am not who I am. I am uncomfortable.
Don’t leave me.

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