Happiness

Wise men say

Happiness begins with

living.

With truly being free

and comfortable in who you are.

I’d say that these men are right.

I used to grasp for people’s hands,

rely on other broken hearted people

to ground me

and make me feel –

anything.

Then, I lost the person I love.

Then, I had to find myself again…

Find happiness again.

This is a commentary on happiness,

of being happy in yourself –

yourself alone.

People disappoint, people leave, and people can hurt you.

Living freely, comfortable in who you are

is the key

to happiness

Dust to Dust

Alone in the garden

I stumble upon an apple tree

But this is no ordinary tree – no

It has been in the family for generations

This tree is strength, creation, protection, love…

The tree sighs heavy breaths as it inhales and exhales

The cool summer air.

I breathe in sync with her

Admiring her branches that are so long

And wide

And have touched and seen so many beautiful things…

I pluck a small ruby apple from her grasp

So soft, so fragile

I hold it in my hands as I would a child. 

Beside me, an apple falls 

Too heavy and grown to be held by its mother

Any longer.

It’s wrinkled, inhabited by worms and turning brown. 

But it still has the warmth of life within its being. 

I compare the two –

One so pure, so fresh,

New to this world and naive.

The other old, tortured, dying…

This tree, with its veins deeply rooted into 

Nature

Into the truth,

Creates life.

She creates, nurtures, heals & speaks.

Breathes the air given to her with thankfulness

Knowing that her presence is a blessing a

And breathes life into those

That surround her. 

She is of the dust –

we are all of the dust…

Like the withering apple,

Crippled, crumpled & crinkled beside me

Decay & disease destroying it

From the inside out,

Life comes and goes so quickly

We are born from dust,

And to dust we will return… 

Surely Love is Enough

Surely love is enough.

The love I have for you

That consumes me

And fills me with 

Endless butterflies

Is enough. 

Love is freeing,

I can relax knowing

That I have found

Something so real

So raw. 

But,

It’s not everything

I thought it would be…

Yes, it is freeing

And fun,

Yet I feel so 

Constrained. 

I am defined 

By you.

Defined by the lack

Of effort you put in.

Defined by your

Angry words 

That you spit at me

Like a viper 

When you drink 

Your poison.

You poison me. 

Surely love should be enough.

Even in the joy and the giddiness,

I find myself drowning,

Like I am caught in a hurricane

Frantically moving to stay afloat,

But relief never comes. 

I am consumed by the reckless waves… 

Why isn’t love enough… 

Fate or Destiny

Why?

Why does it all have to be so confusing?

Complicated –

Convoluted –

Completely out of my control….

I told myself I was done – forever.

But then I saw you again,

in my dreams.

Every night for a week,

I dreamt of you.

I saw your chocolate eyes,

your broad smile,

felt the whiskers on your face

against my cheek.

I felt love for you again.

It felt like I was drowning,

I couldn’t breathe and

my body was weak and-

and –

it was amazing.

Being near you made me feel whole again.

Then, I open my eyes

to the reality that you are gone…

After all the tears, the fighting, yelling and total emotional torture,

why do I crave you?

Why does my heart yearn for you,

even in my unconsciousness?

Could it even be possible for us to work again?

Does fate tempt us

until we make the decision to part indefinitely,

Or

Does destiny keep bringing us

back together because we are meant to be?

Why?

Why does it all have to be so confusing?

Broken People by Robert M. Drake

I yearn for broken things.

For the things

that make drunk lovers

fall into eachother

in the middle of the night

and the things

that keep them up

while the rest of the world

is asleep.

I love you,

I need you to break me,

and I don’t want you

to apologize

for it

at all.

You are my Poison

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Even as you spit venom from your mouth,

In between the sweet nothings

That truly mean nothing at all.

But they mean the world to me.

 

I can’t get enough.

 

The venom hurts, then it burns, then it begins to corrode my veins.

I feel my heart slowly dying,

My legs collapsing under me,

And yet,

I come back for more.

 

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Loving the lies,

The pain,

The pure toxicity of it all.

You are my poison,

& I can’t get enough…

What Do I Want?

It’s been a year since I’ve asked myself, what do I want?

I’ve been consumed with making a toxic relationship healthy,

Consumed with making everyone happy and sometimes forgetting myself…

I was content giving a man my all, loving him with my whole heart,

Giving and giving and giving till there was nothing left to give…

And he never gave back.

I was happy because I was in love –

in love with the wrong person –

But I didn’t know that at the time.

I was happy pouring my love into someone that made me feel whole.

Now I feel empty inside.

Now I feel like I can never be happy again.

Now I feel like I can never love again.

So now, here I am,

Alone and unsure of how to move forward.

Again I ask: What do I want?

Firstly, I want to feel happy and whole on my own.

I want to study hard, work hard, and pursue healthy relationships.

I want to travel.  I need to see the world.

I want to write more.

I want to feel more.

I want to find myself.

I want to know what the future holds.

And I want – I want to love again…

I want to be okay again…..

Weak Heart

It feels like years since I last saw you,

since I last held you…

When I try to think about life without you,

my heart can’t handle it.

I collapse from the brokenness,

the shards stabbing my weak heart.

I try to give it back to you,

begging you to take my heart back.

Please take my weak heart,

tie it to yours,

so it can be strong again.

The lonely strands,

that were torn from you,

are weighing me down.

I miss you

I need you

I love you

My weak heart won’t make it without you…

A Prayer for My First Love

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this season of challenges, personal growth & most of all good memories.  You have poured out your blessings unto me and I am forever grateful for the home I have, the health and safety of those I love, and the beautiful relationship I had with G.

I am so beyond thankful for having him be a part of my story.  He is my first love.  We shared so many beautiful moments together, and I learned what love truly is with him.  He taught me countless numbers of things like how to cook chicken on the stove, how to fish, how to compromise, how to forgive, how to love… And he taught me how to love myself.  He made me feel so special and so incredibly beautiful all the time.

Thank you for getting us through these past couple of months.  We suffered deaths in our lives this winter that were absolutely heart breaking.  I am so blessed that I had him to console me and help me grieve the loss of my longest friend, Ginger.  And I pray that I was helpful and comforting to him as he grieved the loss of friends and his grandfather.  All I ever wanted to do was make him happy and make his life a little bit more bearable than it was before.

Father, I will miss the love we shared.  I will miss his sleep talking at night, the way he would roll over and hug me in the mornings, whispering sweet nothings into my ear while I pretended to be asleep.  I will miss his goofy faces, his laugh and jokes I never really understood.  Mostly, I will miss the way he looked at me – like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world.  I’ll miss his beautiful smile and the feel of his body against mine.

I will never stop loving him Lord, but I pray that he is able to heal the brokenness in his heart.  Allow him to succeed and I ask that he gets everything he wants out of life in You.  I pray he never forgets me… I pray he never forgets the feel of my skin, the scent of my hair, my smile or the color of my eyes… I pray he never forgets the way I looked at him, he was my world.

Let us both remember the good memories, like when we went to see Christmas lights and I met his sister and niece for the first time – oh, how I was so nervous!  May we remember bowling together, cuddling up and watching Jack Ryan or Fringe, going on our daily walks during quarantine, playing Crash Bandicoot for hours on end, paddle boarding in the summer sun, laying in bed and talking about everything and nothing all at once, doing life together as a team…

Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing.  He made me the happiest I had ever been, and the saddest.  Thank you for teaching us so much about each other, ourselves and what love is.  I pray that he and I are able to reconnect in the future and at least become friends again.

Bless us with beautiful marriages, whether that is with other people or back together.

I pray that he is able to forgive me for the cruel and harsh things I have said to him… I yelled at him and acted so mean!  All the things I hate!  May he find it in his heart to understand, to forgive, and to remember me – us – fondly.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

The Narcissist

The Narcissist

Self Absorbed   Abusive   Shallow   Ego Centric   Jealous   Manipulator    Liar    Sadistic  Unemotional   Angry    Conceited    Unapologetic   Devious   Sly   Self Serving   Convincing

“Innocent”…

The Narcissist

He is a snake that slithers silently around you, making his way up to your throat.  At first the touch is euphoric, until he begins to suffocate you, squeezing the air out of your lungs till you are nothing.

The Narcissist can see nothing but himself.

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑