It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

Because I Love You

 

Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love the way you smile,
The way your eyes light up
When you talk about things you adore.
I love the way you snore in your sleep,
The way you twitch and bump into me as you doze off.
I love the ways in which you talk to others,
Treat others,
Welcome others.
I love the way you carry yourself,
Despite your own insecurities.
I love your dedication,
Your hard work.
Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love you,
And I pray for your heart every morning.
As the birds sing praises,
I eagerly give all to God.
I give Him you.
You know I love you – but…
But you are not well, my darling.
You are torn, fighting yourself on the inside.
You don’t love yourself,
I can see that.
Remember that I love you,
And because I love you I am letting you go.
I want you to heal,
To grow
And to love yourself.
Now is not our time,
And it’s okay.
Our time may be later,
But for now I love you.
Because I love you,
I am letting you go…

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