You are my Poison

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Even as you spit venom from your mouth,

In between the sweet nothings

That truly mean nothing at all.

But they mean the world to me.

 

I can’t get enough.

 

The venom hurts, then it burns, then it begins to corrode my veins.

I feel my heart slowly dying,

My legs collapsing under me,

And yet,

I come back for more.

 

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Loving the lies,

The pain,

The pure toxicity of it all.

You are my poison,

& I can’t get enough…

What Do I Want?

It’s been a year since I’ve asked myself, what do I want?

I’ve been consumed with making a toxic relationship healthy,

Consumed with making everyone happy and sometimes forgetting myself…

I was content giving a man my all, loving him with my whole heart,

Giving and giving and giving till there was nothing left to give…

And he never gave back.

I was happy because I was in love –

in love with the wrong person –

But I didn’t know that at the time.

I was happy pouring my love into someone that made me feel whole.

Now I feel empty inside.

Now I feel like I can never be happy again.

Now I feel like I can never love again.

So now, here I am,

Alone and unsure of how to move forward.

Again I ask: What do I want?

Firstly, I want to feel happy and whole on my own.

I want to study hard, work hard, and pursue healthy relationships.

I want to travel.  I need to see the world.

I want to write more.

I want to feel more.

I want to find myself.

I want to know what the future holds.

And I want – I want to love again…

I want to be okay again…..

A Prayer for My First Love

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this season of challenges, personal growth & most of all good memories.  You have poured out your blessings unto me and I am forever grateful for the home I have, the health and safety of those I love, and the beautiful relationship I had with G.

I am so beyond thankful for having him be a part of my story.  He is my first love.  We shared so many beautiful moments together, and I learned what love truly is with him.  He taught me countless numbers of things like how to cook chicken on the stove, how to fish, how to compromise, how to forgive, how to love… And he taught me how to love myself.  He made me feel so special and so incredibly beautiful all the time.

Thank you for getting us through these past couple of months.  We suffered deaths in our lives this winter that were absolutely heart breaking.  I am so blessed that I had him to console me and help me grieve the loss of my longest friend, Ginger.  And I pray that I was helpful and comforting to him as he grieved the loss of friends and his grandfather.  All I ever wanted to do was make him happy and make his life a little bit more bearable than it was before.

Father, I will miss the love we shared.  I will miss his sleep talking at night, the way he would roll over and hug me in the mornings, whispering sweet nothings into my ear while I pretended to be asleep.  I will miss his goofy faces, his laugh and jokes I never really understood.  Mostly, I will miss the way he looked at me – like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world.  I’ll miss his beautiful smile and the feel of his body against mine.

I will never stop loving him Lord, but I pray that he is able to heal the brokenness in his heart.  Allow him to succeed and I ask that he gets everything he wants out of life in You.  I pray he never forgets me… I pray he never forgets the feel of my skin, the scent of my hair, my smile or the color of my eyes… I pray he never forgets the way I looked at him, he was my world.

Let us both remember the good memories, like when we went to see Christmas lights and I met his sister and niece for the first time – oh, how I was so nervous!  May we remember bowling together, cuddling up and watching Jack Ryan or Fringe, going on our daily walks during quarantine, playing Crash Bandicoot for hours on end, paddle boarding in the summer sun, laying in bed and talking about everything and nothing all at once, doing life together as a team…

Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing.  He made me the happiest I had ever been, and the saddest.  Thank you for teaching us so much about each other, ourselves and what love is.  I pray that he and I are able to reconnect in the future and at least become friends again.

Bless us with beautiful marriages, whether that is with other people or back together.

I pray that he is able to forgive me for the cruel and harsh things I have said to him… I yelled at him and acted so mean!  All the things I hate!  May he find it in his heart to understand, to forgive, and to remember me – us – fondly.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

If Only He Loved Me…

If he loves me, he will try.

If he loves me, he won’t yell.

If he loves me, he will communicate.

If he loves me, he will listen.

If he loves me, he won’t leave.

But –

If he does not, he will walk away.

 

If I love myself, I will not let his anger affect me.

I can not wait for change, when the waiting is what hurts.

It hurts,

aches,

stings my heart.

If only he loved me…

 

 

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

my walls have shed, love is so blind

I give you my all, but you don’t have the time.

 

two steps ahead

and I’m running for your love,

it’s too good to be true,

I feel up and above.

 

ten steps behind

I’m crying in the dark,

my trust was questioned

and it broke my heart.

 

two steps ahead, ten steps behind,

love hurts my head, but we’re still intertwined.

trust must be dead, impossible to find,

so I lay in bed, broken and confined.

 

 

 

Maybe I am Worthy of Love

The breeze from the open car window grazed my face, blew my long hair back and seemed to clear my mind with its purity.  I closed my eyes, enjoying the softness of the air that brought freedom to my spirit.  The sun kissed my face, warming my skin and undoubtedly forcing my freckles to become darker.

And yet, my heart still ached.

Peace lasted but moments until my mind circled back to our relationship and its brutal ending.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so Momma kept dragging me out of the house after the break up, trying to cheer me up… Words can’t explain how thankful I am for her, but I wasn’t ready to cheer up.  Yes, it had already been a month after he left me, but it was normal to still be hurting- right?

Our relationship seemed so perfect to me, so completely full of joy and adventure!  But looking back it wasn’t as dreamy as I had imagined…  We honestly didn’t have a single thing in common.  Our conversations would lull to silence after having listened to him talk about cars for hours upon hours.  I didn’t know anything about cars!  Hell, I drove a ‘99 4 Runner and the check engine light was always on – but it worked, didn’t it?  What more was to be said?

We never talked about anything real, like our biggest fears and dreams.  We didn’t talk about God or the meaning of life or how the heck the earth came into creation.  We never did anything but makeout and drive around town.  How pathetic.

One day, he told me he wanted to marry me, that I was the girl of his dreams after just two months of dating!  Crazy, huh?

I thought he was it!  That I had met my person, but I was so wrong.  So naive, irrational and unrealistic! I thought we were in love, my eyes were blinded to the obvious – we were oh so wrong for eachother in almost every single way.

And yet, I was still hurting.

Was I heartbroken over Tristan or heart broken for myself?  Heart broken that my idea of a perfect relationship might not exist?  Heartbroken that I may endure hundreds of  nasty breakups until I find the one?  But who even knows if the man I’ve been looking to spend the rest of my days with is even out in the world!  What if I never find a man who wants to live life with me?  What if I am unlovable, undesired, unworthy?

I can’t go there.  That thought is completely unbearable.

“Abs?”  Momma’s voice freed me from my tiring thoughts.

“Hun, you have got to stop crying over him.  He isn’t worth all these tears.”  She gave me a worried look from behind the wheel.  Her hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, her knuckles turning white.

I touched my cheek, feeling the tears that fell from my eyes.  I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

“I know Momma, I’m sorry.”  I wiped the tears I had let fall one too many times. The car slowed as Momma took the exit onto Briargate boulevard.  I watched the sun waning in the sky, creeping lower in the sky to inevitably hide behind the mountains… But I didn’t want the sun to go down.  Nighttime always brought me more pain, more fear, more anxiety, more haunting dreams and thoughts…

“Where to first Abby?  Francesca’s or Sephora?”

Both good options,  “Let’s do Francesca’s first, that way I can find a matching lipstick at Sephora after if I buy a new outfit.”  I gave Momma a pathetic smile that she accepted warmly.

Therapy shopping.  Story of my life.  Whenever I am  too depressed to leave the house, my friends and family lure me out through the temptation of shopping.  I have no idea why, but spending money has always made me feel better.  Until the bills come in of course…

Buying a new dress, new makeup, a pair of earrings, new shoes – literally anything makes me feel better.  If I look good, I feel good.  And maybe my looks will help me find a new man someday who truly loves me.  Who is actually good for me.  If I am pretty enough, maybe, just maybe, I will be worthy of love.

 

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

1 Corinthians 13

Our love is patient,

Our love is kind.

It does not envy,

It does not boast.

Our love does not dishonor,

And it is not self seeking.

Our love keeps no records of wrong,

But forgives graciously.

Our love always protects,

Always trusts,

Always hopes,

Always perseveres.

This is the love we share.

A beautiful love that comforts,

Heals,

And succeeds when we work hard

To keep the love alive.

May God bless us

Every step of the way,

And continue to lead your heart

To mine.

Amen.

 

 

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