What Do I Want?

It’s been a year since I’ve asked myself, what do I want?

I’ve been consumed with making a toxic relationship healthy,

Consumed with making everyone happy and sometimes forgetting myself…

I was content giving a man my all, loving him with my whole heart,

Giving and giving and giving till there was nothing left to give…

And he never gave back.

I was happy because I was in love –

in love with the wrong person –

But I didn’t know that at the time.

I was happy pouring my love into someone that made me feel whole.

Now I feel empty inside.

Now I feel like I can never be happy again.

Now I feel like I can never love again.

So now, here I am,

Alone and unsure of how to move forward.

Again I ask: What do I want?

Firstly, I want to feel happy and whole on my own.

I want to study hard, work hard, and pursue healthy relationships.

I want to travel.  I need to see the world.

I want to write more.

I want to feel more.

I want to find myself.

I want to know what the future holds.

And I want – I want to love again…

I want to be okay again…..

Weak Heart

It feels like years since I last saw you,

since I last held you…

When I try to think about life without you,

my heart can’t handle it.

I collapse from the brokenness,

the shards stabbing my weak heart.

I try to give it back to you,

begging you to take my heart back.

Please take my weak heart,

tie it to yours,

so it can be strong again.

The lonely strands,

that were torn from you,

are weighing me down.

I miss you

I need you

I love you

My weak heart won’t make it without you…

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

Maybe I am Worthy of Love

The breeze from the open car window grazed my face, blew my long hair back and seemed to clear my mind with its purity.  I closed my eyes, enjoying the softness of the air that brought freedom to my spirit.  The sun kissed my face, warming my skin and undoubtedly forcing my freckles to become darker.

And yet, my heart still ached.

Peace lasted but moments until my mind circled back to our relationship and its brutal ending.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so Momma kept dragging me out of the house after the break up, trying to cheer me up… Words can’t explain how thankful I am for her, but I wasn’t ready to cheer up.  Yes, it had already been a month after he left me, but it was normal to still be hurting- right?

Our relationship seemed so perfect to me, so completely full of joy and adventure!  But looking back it wasn’t as dreamy as I had imagined…  We honestly didn’t have a single thing in common.  Our conversations would lull to silence after having listened to him talk about cars for hours upon hours.  I didn’t know anything about cars!  Hell, I drove a ‘99 4 Runner and the check engine light was always on – but it worked, didn’t it?  What more was to be said?

We never talked about anything real, like our biggest fears and dreams.  We didn’t talk about God or the meaning of life or how the heck the earth came into creation.  We never did anything but makeout and drive around town.  How pathetic.

One day, he told me he wanted to marry me, that I was the girl of his dreams after just two months of dating!  Crazy, huh?

I thought he was it!  That I had met my person, but I was so wrong.  So naive, irrational and unrealistic! I thought we were in love, my eyes were blinded to the obvious – we were oh so wrong for eachother in almost every single way.

And yet, I was still hurting.

Was I heartbroken over Tristan or heart broken for myself?  Heart broken that my idea of a perfect relationship might not exist?  Heartbroken that I may endure hundreds of  nasty breakups until I find the one?  But who even knows if the man I’ve been looking to spend the rest of my days with is even out in the world!  What if I never find a man who wants to live life with me?  What if I am unlovable, undesired, unworthy?

I can’t go there.  That thought is completely unbearable.

“Abs?”  Momma’s voice freed me from my tiring thoughts.

“Hun, you have got to stop crying over him.  He isn’t worth all these tears.”  She gave me a worried look from behind the wheel.  Her hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, her knuckles turning white.

I touched my cheek, feeling the tears that fell from my eyes.  I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

“I know Momma, I’m sorry.”  I wiped the tears I had let fall one too many times. The car slowed as Momma took the exit onto Briargate boulevard.  I watched the sun waning in the sky, creeping lower in the sky to inevitably hide behind the mountains… But I didn’t want the sun to go down.  Nighttime always brought me more pain, more fear, more anxiety, more haunting dreams and thoughts…

“Where to first Abby?  Francesca’s or Sephora?”

Both good options,  “Let’s do Francesca’s first, that way I can find a matching lipstick at Sephora after if I buy a new outfit.”  I gave Momma a pathetic smile that she accepted warmly.

Therapy shopping.  Story of my life.  Whenever I am  too depressed to leave the house, my friends and family lure me out through the temptation of shopping.  I have no idea why, but spending money has always made me feel better.  Until the bills come in of course…

Buying a new dress, new makeup, a pair of earrings, new shoes – literally anything makes me feel better.  If I look good, I feel good.  And maybe my looks will help me find a new man someday who truly loves me.  Who is actually good for me.  If I am pretty enough, maybe, just maybe, I will be worthy of love.

 

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

“Empty Bottles Full of Stories” by Robert M. Drake

The beautiful gift and curse of being human, to give and to take away. It is both a curse and a blessing to feel things so deeply. And too much of anything will always be too much for you to bear. Always.
And all of us are terribly looking for ways NOT to shatter. And too often do we, as people, only appreciate someone once they are gone. The past is always growing and time is just another metaphor that represents all the people we’ve lost.
The world doesn’t make much sense without the people you love. Sadness, like happiness, is delicate and temporary. So please go on gently and always remember to let all things that weigh you down go.

 

I recently bought Drake’s poetry book “Empty Bottles Full of Stories”… it is a marvelous book and Drake is a very talented writer.  When reading his poems, I highlight certain phrases that really stick out to me.  Here are a few highlighted verses that I put together to paint a different picture.

 

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑