You are my Poison

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Even as you spit venom from your mouth,

In between the sweet nothings

That truly mean nothing at all.

But they mean the world to me.

 

I can’t get enough.

 

The venom hurts, then it burns, then it begins to corrode my veins.

I feel my heart slowly dying,

My legs collapsing under me,

And yet,

I come back for more.

 

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Loving the lies,

The pain,

The pure toxicity of it all.

You are my poison,

& I can’t get enough…

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

If Only He Loved Me…

If he loves me, he will try.

If he loves me, he won’t yell.

If he loves me, he will communicate.

If he loves me, he will listen.

If he loves me, he won’t leave.

But –

If he does not, he will walk away.

 

If I love myself, I will not let his anger affect me.

I can not wait for change, when the waiting is what hurts.

It hurts,

aches,

stings my heart.

If only he loved me…

 

 

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

my walls have shed, love is so blind

I give you my all, but you don’t have the time.

 

two steps ahead

and I’m running for your love,

it’s too good to be true,

I feel up and above.

 

ten steps behind

I’m crying in the dark,

my trust was questioned

and it broke my heart.

 

two steps ahead, ten steps behind,

love hurts my head, but we’re still intertwined.

trust must be dead, impossible to find,

so I lay in bed, broken and confined.

 

 

 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

See Me

You don’t see me.

You see your expectations of me.

You see a version of me that you want,

Or expect me to be.

 

They say “She’s a whore”,

“She’s dumb”

“She’s a bitch”

“She’s selfish”…

You don’t see me.

 

I don’t fit into a box,

I’m hard to understand,

I’m uniquely me.

The world refuses to see me.

Refuses to even try to understand my heart

Because I don’t fit a “type”.

 

They force stereotypes onto me.

Bombard me with skewed perceptions,

Hideous expectations.

They make me believe the lies.

No one sees me.

 

It’s lonely,

Knowing that the world

Doesn’t want to see me.

People I thought were friends,

People I was in love with,

Never knew me.

They never tried.

 

I just want

Someone

To

See 

me… 

 

 

I’m sorry. Forgive me…

Lord… I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for ignoring Your powerful voice.  For doing what I want in hopes that Your Will for my life will change to what I want, to what I see for myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for craving a man’s touch.  For seeking a man to give me comfort in times of discomfort instead of seeking You.  For letting the hopes of finding a man blind me and guide my every decision.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being selfish.  For being foolish, naïve, ignorant… I find bliss in my blindness.  Until it hurts.  Until it tears my heart apart and I find myself bleeding from all the mistakes.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive me despite all the brokenness, ugliness, selfishness and mindlessness driving my life and my choices.

Help me Lord.  Heal me.

I need You in every waking hour.  I need Your grace to fall upon me new every morning.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me…

 

Nothing: Commentary on Emptiness & Dependence

I wrote this poem to comment on emptiness and the dependence women put on men to feel worthy, happy and whole.  Hell, I often feel like I need a man to be complete – but I don’t.  Only I have the power to feel whole and complete, and for me, I find that in my faith in God.  But sometimes I misplace my value and my joy in other people and undeserving men.  When I do this, I feel empty.  I feel like nothing.

Ladies, listen up.  You are worthy.  Only you can make yourself whole.  And your happiness should depend on you – not a man!  I hope you enjoy this poem as it hits close to home…

My body is shaking.
My soul feels battered and broken.

When?

Why?
I loved you.
And I still do.

I gave you everything,
Every single part of me.
I was loyal.
We were perfect.
Were…

My mind is spinning.
My heart is racing.
I’m going to pass out.

I want to cry.
But there are no more tears to shed.
Like trying to drink from an empty pool of water.
There’s nothing…

I’m nothing.
I’m empty.

When?
Why?
What did I do?
How could I have fixed this?

I want to kneel at his feet.
I want to beg him to come back.
Come back to me…

But I can’t.
He’s gone.
I’m alone.
I’m nothing.

I just want a straight answer –
When did you fall out of love with me?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
What did I do wrong?
How can we start over?

I want him back.
I need him back.
His love is all I had.
Now I have nothing.
I am nothing…

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

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