A Prayer for My First Love

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this season of challenges, personal growth & most of all good memories.  You have poured out your blessings unto me and I am forever grateful for the home I have, the health and safety of those I love, and the beautiful relationship I had with G.

I am so beyond thankful for having him be a part of my story.  He is my first love.  We shared so many beautiful moments together, and I learned what love truly is with him.  He taught me countless numbers of things like how to cook chicken on the stove, how to fish, how to compromise, how to forgive, how to love… And he taught me how to love myself.  He made me feel so special and so incredibly beautiful all the time.

Thank you for getting us through these past couple of months.  We suffered deaths in our lives this winter that were absolutely heart breaking.  I am so blessed that I had him to console me and help me grieve the loss of my longest friend, Ginger.  And I pray that I was helpful and comforting to him as he grieved the loss of friends and his grandfather.  All I ever wanted to do was make him happy and make his life a little bit more bearable than it was before.

Father, I will miss the love we shared.  I will miss his sleep talking at night, the way he would roll over and hug me in the mornings, whispering sweet nothings into my ear while I pretended to be asleep.  I will miss his goofy faces, his laugh and jokes I never really understood.  Mostly, I will miss the way he looked at me – like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world.  I’ll miss his beautiful smile and the feel of his body against mine.

I will never stop loving him Lord, but I pray that he is able to heal the brokenness in his heart.  Allow him to succeed and I ask that he gets everything he wants out of life in You.  I pray he never forgets me… I pray he never forgets the feel of my skin, the scent of my hair, my smile or the color of my eyes… I pray he never forgets the way I looked at him, he was my world.

Let us both remember the good memories, like when we went to see Christmas lights and I met his sister and niece for the first time – oh, how I was so nervous!  May we remember bowling together, cuddling up and watching Jack Ryan or Fringe, going on our daily walks during quarantine, playing Crash Bandicoot for hours on end, paddle boarding in the summer sun, laying in bed and talking about everything and nothing all at once, doing life together as a team…

Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing.  He made me the happiest I had ever been, and the saddest.  Thank you for teaching us so much about each other, ourselves and what love is.  I pray that he and I are able to reconnect in the future and at least become friends again.

Bless us with beautiful marriages, whether that is with other people or back together.

I pray that he is able to forgive me for the cruel and harsh things I have said to him… I yelled at him and acted so mean!  All the things I hate!  May he find it in his heart to understand, to forgive, and to remember me – us – fondly.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

If Only He Loved Me…

If he loves me, he will try.

If he loves me, he won’t yell.

If he loves me, he will communicate.

If he loves me, he will listen.

If he loves me, he won’t leave.

But –

If he does not, he will walk away.

 

If I love myself, I will not let his anger affect me.

I can not wait for change, when the waiting is what hurts.

It hurts,

aches,

stings my heart.

If only he loved me…

 

 

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

1 Corinthians 13

Our love is patient,

Our love is kind.

It does not envy,

It does not boast.

Our love does not dishonor,

And it is not self seeking.

Our love keeps no records of wrong,

But forgives graciously.

Our love always protects,

Always trusts,

Always hopes,

Always perseveres.

This is the love we share.

A beautiful love that comforts,

Heals,

And succeeds when we work hard

To keep the love alive.

May God bless us

Every step of the way,

And continue to lead your heart

To mine.

Amen.

 

 

“Keep your mind on things above…”

I feel the change,

The air is cooler.

The trees now full grown,

begin their descent into winter.

Leaves cover my toes,

I am surrounded by red, orange and yellow.

I stand alone,

With my fellow trees.

This feels like home,

Feels like where I belong.

I belong among the quiet,

The lowly,

The strong.

I belong somewhere,

Where I can appreciate –

Truly appreciate –

God’s beauty.

I feel the sun on my face,

like a warm hand tilting my face upwards.

“Keep your mind on things above…”

He says.

I’m distracted in this time of life.

I wish I lived among the trees and the butterflies and the flowers…

I hurt too easily.

I get hurt too easily.

But between the mounds of leaves and buzzing bees,

Everything points me heavenward.

To You.

I’m sorry. Forgive me…

Lord… I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for ignoring Your powerful voice.  For doing what I want in hopes that Your Will for my life will change to what I want, to what I see for myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for craving a man’s touch.  For seeking a man to give me comfort in times of discomfort instead of seeking You.  For letting the hopes of finding a man blind me and guide my every decision.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being selfish.  For being foolish, naïve, ignorant… I find bliss in my blindness.  Until it hurts.  Until it tears my heart apart and I find myself bleeding from all the mistakes.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive me despite all the brokenness, ugliness, selfishness and mindlessness driving my life and my choices.

Help me Lord.  Heal me.

I need You in every waking hour.  I need Your grace to fall upon me new every morning.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me…

 

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