Happiness

Wise men say

Happiness begins with

living.

With truly being free

and comfortable in who you are.

I’d say that these men are right.

I used to grasp for people’s hands,

rely on other broken hearted people

to ground me

and make me feel –

anything.

Then, I lost the person I love.

Then, I had to find myself again…

Find happiness again.

This is a commentary on happiness,

of being happy in yourself –

yourself alone.

People disappoint, people leave, and people can hurt you.

Living freely, comfortable in who you are

is the key

to happiness

Dust to Dust

Alone in the garden

I stumble upon an apple tree

But this is no ordinary tree – no

It has been in the family for generations

This tree is strength, creation, protection, love…

The tree sighs heavy breaths as it inhales and exhales

The cool summer air.

I breathe in sync with her

Admiring her branches that are so long

And wide

And have touched and seen so many beautiful things…

I pluck a small ruby apple from her grasp

So soft, so fragile

I hold it in my hands as I would a child. 

Beside me, an apple falls 

Too heavy and grown to be held by its mother

Any longer.

It’s wrinkled, inhabited by worms and turning brown. 

But it still has the warmth of life within its being. 

I compare the two –

One so pure, so fresh,

New to this world and naive.

The other old, tortured, dying…

This tree, with its veins deeply rooted into 

Nature

Into the truth,

Creates life.

She creates, nurtures, heals & speaks.

Breathes the air given to her with thankfulness

Knowing that her presence is a blessing a

And breathes life into those

That surround her. 

She is of the dust –

we are all of the dust…

Like the withering apple,

Crippled, crumpled & crinkled beside me

Decay & disease destroying it

From the inside out,

Life comes and goes so quickly

We are born from dust,

And to dust we will return… 

Surely Love is Enough

Surely love is enough.

The love I have for you

That consumes me

And fills me with 

Endless butterflies

Is enough. 

Love is freeing,

I can relax knowing

That I have found

Something so real

So raw. 

But,

It’s not everything

I thought it would be…

Yes, it is freeing

And fun,

Yet I feel so 

Constrained. 

I am defined 

By you.

Defined by the lack

Of effort you put in.

Defined by your

Angry words 

That you spit at me

Like a viper 

When you drink 

Your poison.

You poison me. 

Surely love should be enough.

Even in the joy and the giddiness,

I find myself drowning,

Like I am caught in a hurricane

Frantically moving to stay afloat,

But relief never comes. 

I am consumed by the reckless waves… 

Why isn’t love enough… 

Let Go

I was scared,

holding onto the

only love I’ve ever known.

I was holding onto

the old us.

In the beginning,

you tried,

you made me happy,

and I was a priority.

You bought me little gifts,

sent me sweet morning texts,

surprised me at work,

and actually made time for me.

Then, months went by and –

everything changed.

You stopped trying,

and I was working

so hard to keep a dead relationship

alive.

You killed me,

trying to make you happy

killed me.

I was scared to let go

of the man I thought you were.

You aren’t that man anymore.

Love – true love – shouldn’t

be so completely difficult,

stressful,

painful…

I was scared to let go,

but now I know

you were never worthy of

my love.

I’ve let go.

Broken People by Robert M. Drake

I yearn for broken things.

For the things

that make drunk lovers

fall into eachother

in the middle of the night

and the things

that keep them up

while the rest of the world

is asleep.

I love you,

I need you to break me,

and I don’t want you

to apologize

for it

at all.

You are my Poison

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Even as you spit venom from your mouth,

In between the sweet nothings

That truly mean nothing at all.

But they mean the world to me.

 

I can’t get enough.

 

The venom hurts, then it burns, then it begins to corrode my veins.

I feel my heart slowly dying,

My legs collapsing under me,

And yet,

I come back for more.

 

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Loving the lies,

The pain,

The pure toxicity of it all.

You are my poison,

& I can’t get enough…

Weak Heart

It feels like years since I last saw you,

since I last held you…

When I try to think about life without you,

my heart can’t handle it.

I collapse from the brokenness,

the shards stabbing my weak heart.

I try to give it back to you,

begging you to take my heart back.

Please take my weak heart,

tie it to yours,

so it can be strong again.

The lonely strands,

that were torn from you,

are weighing me down.

I miss you

I need you

I love you

My weak heart won’t make it without you…

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

If Only He Loved Me…

If he loves me, he will try.

If he loves me, he won’t yell.

If he loves me, he will communicate.

If he loves me, he will listen.

If he loves me, he won’t leave.

But –

If he does not, he will walk away.

 

If I love myself, I will not let his anger affect me.

I can not wait for change, when the waiting is what hurts.

It hurts,

aches,

stings my heart.

If only he loved me…

 

 

Maybe I am Worthy of Love

The breeze from the open car window grazed my face, blew my long hair back and seemed to clear my mind with its purity.  I closed my eyes, enjoying the softness of the air that brought freedom to my spirit.  The sun kissed my face, warming my skin and undoubtedly forcing my freckles to become darker.

And yet, my heart still ached.

Peace lasted but moments until my mind circled back to our relationship and its brutal ending.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so Momma kept dragging me out of the house after the break up, trying to cheer me up… Words can’t explain how thankful I am for her, but I wasn’t ready to cheer up.  Yes, it had already been a month after he left me, but it was normal to still be hurting- right?

Our relationship seemed so perfect to me, so completely full of joy and adventure!  But looking back it wasn’t as dreamy as I had imagined…  We honestly didn’t have a single thing in common.  Our conversations would lull to silence after having listened to him talk about cars for hours upon hours.  I didn’t know anything about cars!  Hell, I drove a ‘99 4 Runner and the check engine light was always on – but it worked, didn’t it?  What more was to be said?

We never talked about anything real, like our biggest fears and dreams.  We didn’t talk about God or the meaning of life or how the heck the earth came into creation.  We never did anything but makeout and drive around town.  How pathetic.

One day, he told me he wanted to marry me, that I was the girl of his dreams after just two months of dating!  Crazy, huh?

I thought he was it!  That I had met my person, but I was so wrong.  So naive, irrational and unrealistic! I thought we were in love, my eyes were blinded to the obvious – we were oh so wrong for eachother in almost every single way.

And yet, I was still hurting.

Was I heartbroken over Tristan or heart broken for myself?  Heart broken that my idea of a perfect relationship might not exist?  Heartbroken that I may endure hundreds of  nasty breakups until I find the one?  But who even knows if the man I’ve been looking to spend the rest of my days with is even out in the world!  What if I never find a man who wants to live life with me?  What if I am unlovable, undesired, unworthy?

I can’t go there.  That thought is completely unbearable.

“Abs?”  Momma’s voice freed me from my tiring thoughts.

“Hun, you have got to stop crying over him.  He isn’t worth all these tears.”  She gave me a worried look from behind the wheel.  Her hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, her knuckles turning white.

I touched my cheek, feeling the tears that fell from my eyes.  I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

“I know Momma, I’m sorry.”  I wiped the tears I had let fall one too many times. The car slowed as Momma took the exit onto Briargate boulevard.  I watched the sun waning in the sky, creeping lower in the sky to inevitably hide behind the mountains… But I didn’t want the sun to go down.  Nighttime always brought me more pain, more fear, more anxiety, more haunting dreams and thoughts…

“Where to first Abby?  Francesca’s or Sephora?”

Both good options,  “Let’s do Francesca’s first, that way I can find a matching lipstick at Sephora after if I buy a new outfit.”  I gave Momma a pathetic smile that she accepted warmly.

Therapy shopping.  Story of my life.  Whenever I am  too depressed to leave the house, my friends and family lure me out through the temptation of shopping.  I have no idea why, but spending money has always made me feel better.  Until the bills come in of course…

Buying a new dress, new makeup, a pair of earrings, new shoes – literally anything makes me feel better.  If I look good, I feel good.  And maybe my looks will help me find a new man someday who truly loves me.  Who is actually good for me.  If I am pretty enough, maybe, just maybe, I will be worthy of love.

 

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