Oh how it hurts.
Cut through my mind
In my brain.
Loud, confusing, caustic.
Indelicate black tunnels
Pull me farther in.
I can’t see now.
I feel the ghosts
Of my past
Tug at me.
I’m pulling apart.
I’m not dreaming.
I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.
The spiral is long,
I’m still falling deeper,
Talk to me
I need –
I need to know
Where you stand
What do you feel,
What do you think,
What have I done wrong…
I want to explode
I want to rip my hair out
One by one.
They attack me
Like a swarm of bees
Like a hurricane
My body shakes
Of what you’ll say.
But just say it.
My heart may shatter
My life may end
But I need to know.
Talk to me…
Her hair flows behind her as she runs through the darkness. Life hits her at every angle, but she continues to get back up. Her body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars. Each mark from a hurtful word, a painful touch, a self hating thought…
She still runs.
Her body is weak, but her mind is strong. She gets up. She runs.
What is she running from?
Aren’t we all running?
Running away from our fears, running away from responsible. But also away from evil, away from threats and unnecessary pain.
I am running with her.
In the darkness I see her hair. The long, golden tresses glow in the blackness.
Where are we running to?
I see it.
There is light in the distance. I keep running.
I run for life, I run for joy, I run for love.
I run because of the hurt, because of the heart ache. Despite the darkness, there is light.
We run for the light.
My body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars, but it reminds me of where I’ve been.
Now, I’m heading into the light…
What is going on? First you love me, you make me feel special, happy… Then you realize you need to work on yourself. Okay fine, I’ll be here with you through the process. But wait, it gets better! You get back with your ex right after you rip my heart out with your words.
I cried myself to sleep for days on end. I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, but why? You’re the one who drinks to forget, you’re the one who doesn’t love yourself, and you’re the one who went back to the woman who made your hair fall out! By all means, enjoy yourself!
I’m thriving. Succeeding in almost every area of my life. Working on myself, my faith and becoming a stronger woman. We speak again. You mention not being happy – I’m not surprised. But then, you say you’re still torn, torn over ME. What do you mean?
“You had your chance. You messed up.” I say.
Do I believe that?
Why is my heart racing?
He continues to say he’s sorry and that I was right (as usual). He says he still cares. That “hypothetically” we could try again.
I like the idea.
No! I tell myself. What are you doing even considering this man who used you and tossed you to the side as easily as a piece of trash? You don’t deserve that!
What am I thinking?
Why does his voice tempt me still? I thought I was over it?
But after that conversation, I don’t know what to think…
All I know that he hurt me and he has a lot of work to do on himself.
What do I know about myself? I’m doing well, I love my life and my independence… but now what? Let a confused man ruin all that?
Of course not!
Yet, my heart weighs heavy.
What do I do? What do I think?
Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
Is love what I had for you?
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?
His lips soft against mine. Then more pressing. Hands sliding down my body, gently, slowly. Touching every inch of me. They please me. They make me cry out. But then it hurts.
Then, I touch him. I glide my tongue along him. I tease him with my plump lips. Please him with my body. Ever so slowly. Ever so longingly…
The night ends. My legs shake from exhaustion, our hearts beat restlessly together. His chest moves up and down strongly. I watch mesmerized.
At a last embrace I cling to him. To his strong body. His muscular arms wrap around my fragile figure like a fortress. I am safe. I am protected. I am weak.
“Don’t leave me,” I want to beg.
His body is warm against my skin. It gives me chills of comfort. I shiver.
Our lips meet one last time, and I want to cry. He leaves. Slowly, turning to give me a grin before escaping.
I shut the door. The door, a prison gate. And suddenly I’m alone. Lonely.
I lay in bed, craving his nearness. I yearn for him to hold me while I sleep. Maybe his presence can keep the nightmares away. The trembling. The crying.
I’m alone. Thinking, remembering and embracing the idea of how his skin felt upon mine. How he felt inside me… My body aches.
The dark of night seemed to surround me, haunt me and crowd me. I felt constricted. Afraid. Nervous.
Alone. Alone confuses me. Alone attacks me. I am uncertain of myself. But with him I feel certain. Oh how I crave his closeness.
Once alone I ponder my choices, my soul and my mind. I think till I want to carve my brain out of my skull. I dig myself into a never ending hole. I dig my own grave.
It’s as though I can feel the dirt being poured onto my chest. The weight breathtaking.
I need touch. I need him. I need help.
Alone frightens me. I am not who I am. I am uncomfortable.
Don’t leave me.
Oh how I remember those sweet goodnight text messages, you know, the ones with heart emojis and loving words. I remember the feel of his lips upon mine, the sound of his voice, the fit of my hand in his…
I thought I was happy.
He would come visit me at work and I would smile so wide everytime. I ran into his arms and hugged him. His cologne embraced me even after he left. Why did he visit so often? Because it’s what I wanted him to do.
We would cuddle up together with blankets and pillows and watch a movie. I loved putting a hand to his chest to feel the beat of his heart. It gave me reassurance.
“You’re the ideal woman”, “You’re perfect”, “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen”, he always said. I could feel the heat rise in my face as I blushed and offered kisses as a thank you for his kind words. I felt butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I was so naive, so love struck.
I thought we had so much in common. I thought I enjoyed when he talked about cars and all the ways he was going to fix up his truck. I would smile and nod, yet our conversations were never deeper than the surface. It would come with time though, right? It never did.
At dinner one night, I asked my family how they liked my boyfriend. My dad never said a word. He never liked him; whether it was because Tristan was simply a boy dating me or because he could see through him, I don’t know.
My mom and I were deceived. We would settle on the couch for “boy talk” and she’d always ask, “Has Tristan said anything sweet today?”. Both of us loved the way he spoke.
But after a while, Tristan stopped telling me sweet nothings. He was busy with work, struggling in his faith, he had no friends and a poor relationship with his family. I was there; I thought that’s all he needed.
I needed more.
He was so busy that he came by late at night; I was exhausted from homework and staying up late just to see him prolonged my exhaustion for the next day at school. I wanted more from him. I wanted to have enough time with him to go on a date, to have a deep conversation and feel intellectually attracted to him as well. Instead, the physical attraction is what held us together. I sacrificed personal values for his pleasure. I sacrificed what I wanted to make him happy.
I always thought we were healthy together. Oh, how I was wrong. I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t have those deep conversations, yet I couldn’t stop loving him.
Blessedly, we ended.
I lay in bed, crying myself to sleep and waking up with dark circles under my puffy red eyes. Wasn’t I supposed to marry him? How can I just let the person I love go? How do I walk away from this?
He wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t know that then, I didn’t know we were so wrong for each other till I recovered from the heart ache. I know now what I need in a man. I know I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my values in order to preserve a relationship that clearly isn’t working. I know what I want, and though he was all I wanted for a long time, he was not what I needed.
Why do I feel this way? Like a blade cut through my soul, like a rock cracked my skull, like a fall battered my body… Are my hormones controlling my feelings over reason? Is it simply biological processes influencing my heart? The work of hormones and chemicals that will one day bless my belly with a bulge of life?
Perhaps I am merely dramatic. Perhaps this is all my fault! I allow unworthy things – and people – to taint the condition of my heart. I care wholly too much.
Why do I do this? Why do I subconsciously force myself into pain, into heartbreak, into personal suffering that need not happen?
I am a fool.
I possess enough hope to keep a drowning ship afloat – too much hope. I believe in the best, only ever the best. I believe that the sun will drop below the horizon, allowing darkness for a time, but the light will return once again. It has to.
I believe all people, regardless of color or background, are inherently good. At the core of our souls, we must be good. For if we weren’t, what would this life look like?
Are my judgements childish, naïve, silly? Perhaps. But they are mine, unique to me and my heart.
How do people have malice in their hearts? If the all loving God has created each and every one of us with precision and care, who truly has cause to hate, to kill, to destroy?
However, this world is broken. Humans enjoy self destruction. We certainly wouldn’t admit such a thing, yet we can’t allow ourselves to be happy, to prosper, to enjoy life step by step! Why is this? Because of the downfall of man. We have free will, and we certainly practice it.
We do what we want and what the world tells us is “right”. The world itself is not good, but there is goodness in the world. There is always goodness.
If all was evil, if every mother lost a child, if plants refused to grow in fruitful soil, if the sun never rose again, we would know there isn’t a God. But indeed there is. Amidst the darkness and cruelties of this world, there is a child laughing, a couple falling in love, an entrepreneur pursuing their dreams and succeeding.
The stormy skies surround me, and make me feel glum. Make me feel cloudy in mind, heavy in heart, tired in body. But all will be well once again, He assures me this.
A smile will touch my lips soon enough and the sun will continue to rise and greet me in the mornings.
This life is hard, it is beautiful, joyous and gratifying – but hard. The turbulence is breaking me down, and I don’t know how, but I will rise again. Rise like the sun, like a bird in flight, eager to sing praises of the Creator among humankind, among the weary in heart.
A sea of black and blue.
Dark, like my mind.
Isolated, like my heart.
The World is quiet,
It’s a prison.
My thoughts the bars,
Holding me back.
Back from what?
I walk the streets along,
The ground beneath my weak legs
I’m lost in a dark tunnel,
Words attacking me.
“You’re not enough”
“No one cares about you”
“You are wasting space”
“You are useless”
I’m not sure of anything anymore.
My own mind, thoughts, feelings-
Have betrayed me.
All I know as my truth
And it isn’t truth at all.
Or is it?
I see a red shell within me,
A shell that should be filled,
Could, maybe, possibly, be filled.
Filled with love, joy, content…
Yet I am a shell.
Hollow and dark.
My brain feels squished,
The walls cave in.
I can’t breathe-
Maybe I don’t want to.
Black charcoal paints
The bottom of my grey eyes.
Can I bear it?
My feet drag,
Heavy weights pull me down-
Deeper, deeper, deeper…
I can’t bear it.
I see smiles,
I see laughter,
I see love,
I see myself,
I’m a lie.