It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Come Back to Me…

My love, I know I’ve made mistakes,

I am flawed and I say stupid things and I let my emotions get the best of me…

But please,

Forgive me,

Come back to me.

Yes, this argument I have created,

This storm of whirling emotions and doubt,

Has hurt,

It has hurt both you and I.

I’m sorry.

But do not forget the love we share,

The incredible, joyous memories we have made together!

The nights of cuddling on the couch,

Watching hours upon hours of Netflix.

The dinners we have shared,

And the burnt food I cook that you graciously eat.

When I am near to you,

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel happy.

Our adventures make me happy.

When I think of you, my love,

I smile, because I know you are the one.

I am sorry I have made a mess of things,

I just hope and pray that you will open your heart to me again.

That you won’t forget the beautiful relationship we have,

The memories,

The hopes for the future.

Please, don’t forget.

Come back to me…

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

I’m sorry. Forgive me…

Lord… I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for ignoring Your powerful voice.  For doing what I want in hopes that Your Will for my life will change to what I want, to what I see for myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for craving a man’s touch.  For seeking a man to give me comfort in times of discomfort instead of seeking You.  For letting the hopes of finding a man blind me and guide my every decision.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being selfish.  For being foolish, naïve, ignorant… I find bliss in my blindness.  Until it hurts.  Until it tears my heart apart and I find myself bleeding from all the mistakes.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive me despite all the brokenness, ugliness, selfishness and mindlessness driving my life and my choices.

Help me Lord.  Heal me.

I need You in every waking hour.  I need Your grace to fall upon me new every morning.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me…

 

Run

Her hair flows behind her as she runs through the darkness.  Life hits her at every angle, but she continues to get back up.  Her body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars.  Each mark from a hurtful word, a painful touch, a self hating thought…

She still runs.

Her body is weak, but her mind is strong.  She gets up.  She runs.

What is she running from?

Aren’t we all running?

Running away from our fears, running away from responsible.  But also away from evil, away from threats and unnecessary pain.

I am running with her.

In the darkness I see her hair.  The long, golden tresses glow in the blackness.

Where are we running to?

I see it.

There is light in the distance.  I keep running.

I run for life, I run for joy, I run for love.

I run because of the hurt, because of the heart ache.  Despite the darkness, there is light.

We run for the light.

My body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars, but it reminds me of where I’ve been.

Now, I’m heading into the light…

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

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