Magnets

Magnets.

They pull together.

One is drawn towards the other.

It is their nature.

You hold the magnets just close enough, you can’t pull them apart.

The draw is too strong.

 

We pulled apart.  It felt unnatural.  Sudden.

Yet, the draw is there.

You came back.

I never left.

 

We tried so hard to move one, to live our lives apart.

But now, here we are.

Staring into each other’s eyes hating and loving how strongly we care for each other.

How connected we are.

It’s in our nature.

 

We tried to force a change.  But like magnets, we were made for this connection.

We couldn’t pull apart successfully.  We came back together.

You were drawn to me despite everything.

I’m drawn to you.  To your spirit.  To your heart.

My heart tugs and pulls in your direction no matter how hard I try to fight it.

 

I’m linked to you.  We are linked together.

Our spirits can’t help but come back together.  They tug at us till we are joined again.

Like magnets, we can’t help it.

This force that is inexplicably powerful.

This force that brings me back to you.

 

 

 

Glass

Glass hearts, so fragile, so easy to break.

Broken glass.

My heart is shattered.  Shards of broken pieces stab my insides.  Moving forward hurts.  Moving backwards hurts more.

Maybe I love the feeling of pain.  Maybe I love brokenness and depression because it makes me feel something.

Maybe I love getting hurt over and over again because I deserve it.

Maybe I love giving a piece of myself to people so freely…

Broken pieces of my heart trail behind me.  A part of me I gave to someone.  Someone who didn’t want it.  A part of me is broken.  A sliver of my heart missing…

In the pain, I see in blue.  The world is bleak; more so am I.

I’m angry.  I’m furious.

I’m fragile.

I see in red.  I bleed anger, frustration, hate.

I bleed brokenness.

I bleed from the cuts of broken glass.

I bleed for my heart.

I am broken.

I am glass.

 

Run

Her hair flows behind her as she runs through the darkness.  Life hits her at every angle, but she continues to get back up.  Her body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars.  Each mark from a hurtful word, a painful touch, a self hating thought…

She still runs.

Her body is weak, but her mind is strong.  She gets up.  She runs.

What is she running from?

Aren’t we all running?

Running away from our fears, running away from responsible.  But also away from evil, away from threats and unnecessary pain.

I am running with her.

In the darkness I see her hair.  The long, golden tresses glow in the blackness.

Where are we running to?

I see it.

There is light in the distance.  I keep running.

I run for life, I run for joy, I run for love.

I run because of the hurt, because of the heart ache.  Despite the darkness, there is light.

We run for the light.

My body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars, but it reminds me of where I’ve been.

Now, I’m heading into the light…

What are you doing? What am I thinking?

What is going on? First you love me, you make me feel special, happy… Then you realize you need to work on yourself.  Okay fine, I’ll be here with you through the process.  But wait, it gets better!  You get back with your ex right after you rip my heart out with your words.

I cried myself to sleep for days on end.  I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, but why?  You’re the one who drinks to forget, you’re the one who doesn’t love yourself, and you’re the one who went back to the woman who made your hair fall out!  By all means, enjoy yourself!

Fast forward.

I’m thriving.  Succeeding in almost every area of my life.  Working on myself, my faith and becoming a stronger woman.  We speak again.  You mention not being happy – I’m not surprised.  But then, you say you’re still torn, torn over ME.  What do you mean?

“You had your chance.  You messed up.”  I say.

Do I believe that?

Why is my heart racing?

He continues to say he’s sorry and that I was right (as usual).  He says he still cares.  That “hypothetically” we could try again.

I’m blushing.

I like the idea.

No! I tell myself.  What are you doing even considering this man who used you and tossed you to the side as easily as a piece of trash?  You don’t deserve that!

What am I thinking?

Why does his voice tempt me still?  I thought I was over it?

But after that conversation, I don’t know what to think…

All I know that he hurt me and he has a lot of work to do on himself.

What do I know about myself?  I’m doing well, I love my life and my independence… but now what?  Let a confused man ruin all that?

Of course not!

Yet, my heart weighs heavy.

What do I do?  What do I think?

I Hate This…

It consumes me. It’s all I think about. I want to lash out. I want to hit you.
My heart aches. It pounds quickly. It feels like my heart is trying to escape my chest.
I cry. The tears burn my eyes. I’m so angry.
This isn’t rational, I know. But I can’t stop.
I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me.
I can’t stop replaying each conversation, wishing I had said what I really wanted to.
My body is shaking. I’m gasping for air. I need to destroy something.
I see you almost every day. You act so cool and collected. Nothing bothers you.
You have no emotion. No care for anyone or anything other than yourself.
That’s what I hate. You simply don’t care. Yet I care too much.
I care so much that I want to explode.
I want to scream and lash out. I want to tell you the truth.
But it doesn’t matter.
You don’t matter.
I’m so angry. It consumes me.
You consume me.
You hold so much power over me – I hate it.
I hate this…

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

The Mind

The sun is shining but I’m left in the dark.
A fog blurs my mind like a haunting ghost.

It’s warm outside,
But my body is still cold.

What is wrong with me?
Should I drink some tea?
Can I ignore the tension in my brain?

Oh you’re fine, my mind reassures me.
Maybe it’s lack of sleep!
Tossing and turning in bed all night,
Staring at the mesmerizing moonlight.

I stand in the mirror,
A figure stares back at me.

Hello?
Who is that?

Grey eyes look into mine,
Dark circles hang beneath like heavy clouds,
Clouds ready to burst.

Cheeks are gaunt,
Lips are pursed.
Unattractive.

Am I too skinny?
Do I eat more?

I sit with a plate of food before me,
But I’m not hungry,
Never am because of the pills,
The pills that get me through the day.

My body hurts for no reason,
Muscles sting with each movement,
A knife sits on the table,

Should I make it worse?
Add to the pain that already exists?
No.

It’s warm outside,
And my body is still cold.

I hold on to what I know,
My reality.
The fog in my mind,
And the ache combined.

Don’t Leave Me

His lips soft against mine. Then more pressing. Hands sliding down my body, gently, slowly. Touching every inch of me. They please me. They make me cry out. But then it hurts.
Then, I touch him. I glide my tongue along him. I tease him with my plump lips. Please him with my body. Ever so slowly. Ever so longingly…
The night ends. My legs shake from exhaustion, our hearts beat restlessly together. His chest moves up and down strongly. I watch mesmerized.
At a last embrace I cling to him. To his strong body. His muscular arms wrap around my fragile figure like a fortress. I am safe. I am protected. I am weak.
“Don’t leave me,” I want to beg.
His body is warm against my skin. It gives me chills of comfort. I shiver.
Our lips meet one last time, and I want to cry. He leaves. Slowly, turning to give me a grin before escaping.
I shut the door. The door, a prison gate. And suddenly I’m alone. Lonely.
I lay in bed, craving his nearness. I yearn for him to hold me while I sleep. Maybe his presence can keep the nightmares away. The trembling. The crying.
I’m alone. Thinking, remembering and embracing the idea of how his skin felt upon mine. How he felt inside me… My body aches.
The dark of night seemed to surround me, haunt me and crowd me. I felt constricted. Afraid. Nervous.
Alone. Alone confuses me. Alone attacks me. I am uncertain of myself. But with him I feel certain. Oh how I crave his closeness.
Once alone I ponder my choices, my soul and my mind. I think till I want to carve my brain out of my skull. I dig myself into a never ending hole. I dig my own grave.
It’s as though I can feel the dirt being poured onto my chest. The weight breathtaking.
I need touch. I need him. I need help.
Alone frightens me. I am not who I am. I am uncomfortable.
Don’t leave me.

Naivety: A Personal Narrative From Then to Now

Oh how I remember those sweet goodnight text messages, you know, the ones with heart emojis and loving words. I remember the feel of his lips upon mine, the sound of his voice, the fit of my hand in his…
I thought I was happy.
He would come visit me at work and I would smile so wide everytime. I ran into his arms and hugged him. His cologne embraced me even after he left. Why did he visit so often? Because it’s what I wanted him to do.
We would cuddle up together with blankets and pillows and watch a movie. I loved putting a hand to his chest to feel the beat of his heart. It gave me reassurance.
“You’re the ideal woman”, “You’re perfect”, “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen”, he always said. I could feel the heat rise in my face as I blushed and offered kisses as a thank you for his kind words. I felt butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I was so naive, so love struck.
I thought we had so much in common. I thought I enjoyed when he talked about cars and all the ways he was going to fix up his truck. I would smile and nod, yet our conversations were never deeper than the surface. It would come with time though, right? It never did.
At dinner one night, I asked my family how they liked my boyfriend. My dad never said a word. He never liked him; whether it was because Tristan was simply a boy dating me or because he could see through him, I don’t know.
My mom and I were deceived. We would settle on the couch for “boy talk” and she’d always ask, “Has Tristan said anything sweet today?”. Both of us loved the way he spoke.
But after a while, Tristan stopped telling me sweet nothings. He was busy with work, struggling in his faith, he had no friends and a poor relationship with his family. I was there; I thought that’s all he needed.
I needed more.
He was so busy that he came by late at night; I was exhausted from homework and staying up late just to see him prolonged my exhaustion for the next day at school. I wanted more from him. I wanted to have enough time with him to go on a date, to have a deep conversation and feel intellectually attracted to him as well. Instead, the physical attraction is what held us together. I sacrificed personal values for his pleasure. I sacrificed what I wanted to make him happy.
I always thought we were healthy together. Oh, how I was wrong. I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t have those deep conversations, yet I couldn’t stop loving him.
Blessedly, we ended.
I lay in bed, crying myself to sleep and waking up with dark circles under my puffy red eyes. Wasn’t I supposed to marry him? How can I just let the person I love go? How do I walk away from this?
He wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t know that then, I didn’t know we were so wrong for each other till I recovered from the heart ache. I know now what I need in a man. I know I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my values in order to preserve a relationship that clearly isn’t working. I know what I want, and though he was all I wanted for a long time, he was not what I needed.

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