Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

1 Corinthians 13

Our love is patient,

Our love is kind.

It does not envy,

It does not boast.

Our love does not dishonor,

And it is not self seeking.

Our love keeps no records of wrong,

But forgives graciously.

Our love always protects,

Always trusts,

Always hopes,

Always perseveres.

This is the love we share.

A beautiful love that comforts,

Heals,

And succeeds when we work hard

To keep the love alive.

May God bless us

Every step of the way,

And continue to lead your heart

To mine.

Amen.

 

 

Come Back to Me…

My love, I know I’ve made mistakes,

I am flawed and I say stupid things and I let my emotions get the best of me…

But please,

Forgive me,

Come back to me.

Yes, this argument I have created,

This storm of whirling emotions and doubt,

Has hurt,

It has hurt both you and I.

I’m sorry.

But do not forget the love we share,

The incredible, joyous memories we have made together!

The nights of cuddling on the couch,

Watching hours upon hours of Netflix.

The dinners we have shared,

And the burnt food I cook that you graciously eat.

When I am near to you,

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel happy.

Our adventures make me happy.

When I think of you, my love,

I smile, because I know you are the one.

I am sorry I have made a mess of things,

I just hope and pray that you will open your heart to me again.

That you won’t forget the beautiful relationship we have,

The memories,

The hopes for the future.

Please, don’t forget.

Come back to me…

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

I Think, I Don’t Think by Robert M. Drake

I think

you like the idea

of feeling

too much,

of experiencing

too much

and letting the things

inside you

float away.

I think

you want people

to notice you

but want others

to think that

isolation pumps through

your veins.

I think

you care

too much

but you pretend

as if

nothing bothers you.

I think

you want people

to miss you

but only

the right ones.

I think

you like breaking

apart

but only because

you know by morning

you’ll be

yourself again.

I think

you like being chased

because you want

to be saved

and loved

with the same intensity

an earthquake

would bring.

I think

you want the world

to remember you

but you don’t have

the slightest clue

on becoming memorable.

I think

you want delicate hands

to surf over

your skin

but you think

you’re too hard

for soft hands.

I think

of all these things

and it couldn’t be

more true,

that like me,

you just need someone

to catch you

and tell you

how much they know you –

to reveal

little things about you,

that you

yourself ignore.

I think

the star in you

wants to give light

to other people

and I think

I need it

to help me

find my way.

And, like you,

I think

and feel these things

deeply…

and I know we need

each other…

if ever,

we think

we want

a proper shot

at love.

“Keep your mind on things above…”

I feel the change,

The air is cooler.

The trees now full grown,

begin their descent into winter.

Leaves cover my toes,

I am surrounded by red, orange and yellow.

I stand alone,

With my fellow trees.

This feels like home,

Feels like where I belong.

I belong among the quiet,

The lowly,

The strong.

I belong somewhere,

Where I can appreciate –

Truly appreciate –

God’s beauty.

I feel the sun on my face,

like a warm hand tilting my face upwards.

“Keep your mind on things above…”

He says.

I’m distracted in this time of life.

I wish I lived among the trees and the butterflies and the flowers…

I hurt too easily.

I get hurt too easily.

But between the mounds of leaves and buzzing bees,

Everything points me heavenward.

To You.

Love Like an Arrow

Sometimes I wonder,
What my life would be like,
Had I never met you.
If I never knew the
Taste of your lips,
The heat of your body.
Do I wish it never happened?
“No never, I must have loved you.”
Despite your disregard for my values,
I stayed around, always for you.
That one night, you left a rose on my doorstep,
A rose and a note professing your “love”.
You never loved me, but you convinced me,
Convinced us all.
That last night together
We ate dinner silently,
I searched for words as you poked at your food,
Why couldn’t we carry a conversation?
Everything I thought, you thought the opposite.
I stayed and I tried, always for you.
Why did I try so hard?
Was it love?
Who is supposed to know when they are in love?
It strikes silently,
In the middling of night,
Like an arrow whispering through the air.
Then it hits.
It stings.
It bleeds.
It aches.
Is love what I had for you?
The painful,
Mind boggling,
Heart sweltering feeling I once knew?

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

Because I Love You

 

Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love the way you smile,
The way your eyes light up
When you talk about things you adore.
I love the way you snore in your sleep,
The way you twitch and bump into me as you doze off.
I love the ways in which you talk to others,
Treat others,
Welcome others.
I love the way you carry yourself,
Despite your own insecurities.
I love your dedication,
Your hard work.
Everything I do
Is because I love you.
I love you,
And I pray for your heart every morning.
As the birds sing praises,
I eagerly give all to God.
I give Him you.
You know I love you – but…
But you are not well, my darling.
You are torn, fighting yourself on the inside.
You don’t love yourself,
I can see that.
Remember that I love you,
And because I love you I am letting you go.
I want you to heal,
To grow
And to love yourself.
Now is not our time,
And it’s okay.
Our time may be later,
But for now I love you.
Because I love you,
I am letting you go…

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑