His lips soft against mine. Then more pressing. Hands sliding down my body, gently, slowly. Touching every inch of me. They please me. They make me cry out. But then it hurts.
Then, I touch him. I glide my tongue along him. I tease him with my plump lips. Please him with my body. Ever so slowly. Ever so longingly…
The night ends. My legs shake from exhaustion, our hearts beat restlessly together. His chest moves up and down strongly. I watch mesmerized.
At a last embrace I cling to him. To his strong body. His muscular arms wrap around my fragile figure like a fortress. I am safe. I am protected. I am weak.
“Don’t leave me,” I want to beg.
His body is warm against my skin. It gives me chills of comfort. I shiver.
Our lips meet one last time, and I want to cry. He leaves. Slowly, turning to give me a grin before escaping.
I shut the door. The door, a prison gate. And suddenly I’m alone. Lonely.
I lay in bed, craving his nearness. I yearn for him to hold me while I sleep. Maybe his presence can keep the nightmares away. The trembling. The crying.
I’m alone. Thinking, remembering and embracing the idea of how his skin felt upon mine. How he felt inside me… My body aches.
The dark of night seemed to surround me, haunt me and crowd me. I felt constricted. Afraid. Nervous.
Alone. Alone confuses me. Alone attacks me. I am uncertain of myself. But with him I feel certain. Oh how I crave his closeness.
Once alone I ponder my choices, my soul and my mind. I think till I want to carve my brain out of my skull. I dig myself into a never ending hole. I dig my own grave.
It’s as though I can feel the dirt being poured onto my chest. The weight breathtaking.
I need touch. I need him. I need help.
Alone frightens me. I am not who I am. I am uncomfortable.
Don’t leave me.
Why do I feel this way? Like a blade cut through my soul, like a rock cracked my skull, like a fall battered my body… Are my hormones controlling my feelings over reason? Is it simply biological processes influencing my heart? The work of hormones and chemicals that will one day bless my belly with a bulge of life?
Perhaps I am merely dramatic. Perhaps this is all my fault! I allow unworthy things – and people – to taint the condition of my heart. I care wholly too much.
Why do I do this? Why do I subconsciously force myself into pain, into heartbreak, into personal suffering that need not happen?
I am a fool.
I possess enough hope to keep a drowning ship afloat – too much hope. I believe in the best, only ever the best. I believe that the sun will drop below the horizon, allowing darkness for a time, but the light will return once again. It has to.
I believe all people, regardless of color or background, are inherently good. At the core of our souls, we must be good. For if we weren’t, what would this life look like?
Are my judgements childish, naïve, silly? Perhaps. But they are mine, unique to me and my heart.
How do people have malice in their hearts? If the all loving God has created each and every one of us with precision and care, who truly has cause to hate, to kill, to destroy?
However, this world is broken. Humans enjoy self destruction. We certainly wouldn’t admit such a thing, yet we can’t allow ourselves to be happy, to prosper, to enjoy life step by step! Why is this? Because of the downfall of man. We have free will, and we certainly practice it.
We do what we want and what the world tells us is “right”. The world itself is not good, but there is goodness in the world. There is always goodness.
If all was evil, if every mother lost a child, if plants refused to grow in fruitful soil, if the sun never rose again, we would know there isn’t a God. But indeed there is. Amidst the darkness and cruelties of this world, there is a child laughing, a couple falling in love, an entrepreneur pursuing their dreams and succeeding.
The stormy skies surround me, and make me feel glum. Make me feel cloudy in mind, heavy in heart, tired in body. But all will be well once again, He assures me this.
A smile will touch my lips soon enough and the sun will continue to rise and greet me in the mornings.
This life is hard, it is beautiful, joyous and gratifying – but hard. The turbulence is breaking me down, and I don’t know how, but I will rise again. Rise like the sun, like a bird in flight, eager to sing praises of the Creator among humankind, among the weary in heart.