It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

Run

Her hair flows behind her as she runs through the darkness.  Life hits her at every angle, but she continues to get back up.  Her body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars.  Each mark from a hurtful word, a painful touch, a self hating thought…

She still runs.

Her body is weak, but her mind is strong.  She gets up.  She runs.

What is she running from?

Aren’t we all running?

Running away from our fears, running away from responsible.  But also away from evil, away from threats and unnecessary pain.

I am running with her.

In the darkness I see her hair.  The long, golden tresses glow in the blackness.

Where are we running to?

I see it.

There is light in the distance.  I keep running.

I run for life, I run for joy, I run for love.

I run because of the hurt, because of the heart ache.  Despite the darkness, there is light.

We run for the light.

My body is covered in bruises, scrapes and scars, but it reminds me of where I’ve been.

Now, I’m heading into the light…

What are you doing? What am I thinking?

What is going on? First you love me, you make me feel special, happy… Then you realize you need to work on yourself.  Okay fine, I’ll be here with you through the process.  But wait, it gets better!  You get back with your ex right after you rip my heart out with your words.

I cried myself to sleep for days on end.  I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, but why?  You’re the one who drinks to forget, you’re the one who doesn’t love yourself, and you’re the one who went back to the woman who made your hair fall out!  By all means, enjoy yourself!

Fast forward.

I’m thriving.  Succeeding in almost every area of my life.  Working on myself, my faith and becoming a stronger woman.  We speak again.  You mention not being happy – I’m not surprised.  But then, you say you’re still torn, torn over ME.  What do you mean?

“You had your chance.  You messed up.”  I say.

Do I believe that?

Why is my heart racing?

He continues to say he’s sorry and that I was right (as usual).  He says he still cares.  That “hypothetically” we could try again.

I’m blushing.

I like the idea.

No! I tell myself.  What are you doing even considering this man who used you and tossed you to the side as easily as a piece of trash?  You don’t deserve that!

What am I thinking?

Why does his voice tempt me still?  I thought I was over it?

But after that conversation, I don’t know what to think…

All I know that he hurt me and he has a lot of work to do on himself.

What do I know about myself?  I’m doing well, I love my life and my independence… but now what?  Let a confused man ruin all that?

Of course not!

Yet, my heart weighs heavy.

What do I do?  What do I think?

I Hate This…

It consumes me. It’s all I think about. I want to lash out. I want to hit you.
My heart aches. It pounds quickly. It feels like my heart is trying to escape my chest.
I cry. The tears burn my eyes. I’m so angry.
This isn’t rational, I know. But I can’t stop.
I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me.
I can’t stop replaying each conversation, wishing I had said what I really wanted to.
My body is shaking. I’m gasping for air. I need to destroy something.
I see you almost every day. You act so cool and collected. Nothing bothers you.
You have no emotion. No care for anyone or anything other than yourself.
That’s what I hate. You simply don’t care. Yet I care too much.
I care so much that I want to explode.
I want to scream and lash out. I want to tell you the truth.
But it doesn’t matter.
You don’t matter.
I’m so angry. It consumes me.
You consume me.
You hold so much power over me – I hate it.
I hate this…

Nothing: Commentary on Emptiness & Dependence

I wrote this poem to comment on emptiness and the dependence women put on men to feel worthy, happy and whole.  Hell, I often feel like I need a man to be complete – but I don’t.  Only I have the power to feel whole and complete, and for me, I find that in my faith in God.  But sometimes I misplace my value and my joy in other people and undeserving men.  When I do this, I feel empty.  I feel like nothing.

Ladies, listen up.  You are worthy.  Only you can make yourself whole.  And your happiness should depend on you – not a man!  I hope you enjoy this poem as it hits close to home…

My body is shaking.
My soul feels battered and broken.

When?

Why?
I loved you.
And I still do.

I gave you everything,
Every single part of me.
I was loyal.
We were perfect.
Were…

My mind is spinning.
My heart is racing.
I’m going to pass out.

I want to cry.
But there are no more tears to shed.
Like trying to drink from an empty pool of water.
There’s nothing…

I’m nothing.
I’m empty.

When?
Why?
What did I do?
How could I have fixed this?

I want to kneel at his feet.
I want to beg him to come back.
Come back to me…

But I can’t.
He’s gone.
I’m alone.
I’m nothing.

I just want a straight answer –
When did you fall out of love with me?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
What did I do wrong?
How can we start over?

I want him back.
I need him back.
His love is all I had.
Now I have nothing.
I am nothing…

Better

 

What have I done? What am I doing?
I’ve ruined relationships, hurt people. I’ve lied, stolen and cheated.
I have walked away from my faith, allowing the world to change me and influence every part of me.
I have been mean, so mean. So unkind it’s grotesque.
I’ve fallen in love with the wrong men out of desperation.
Desperation… Why?
Because I am afraid of being unlovable.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of myself.
I’ve made countless mistakes. Committed every sin.
How do I get past it? How do I forget the horrendous person I used to be in order to move on? In order to be better…
Maybe I shouldn’t forget.
Maybe this pain I feel in my heart from hurting others and myself is good.
It reminds me that I’m alive and very much human.
I’m human.
What does that mean?
I breathe, I eat food, I drink water…
I’m broken. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty.
That’s what it means to be human.
To feel.
To remember.
To live.
I want to live, but not like this.
I love my humanity, it reminds me of who I need to be.
Humanity drives me. Humanity loves me. Humanity forgives me.
Forgiveness…
I need it. I crave it.
I’ve made mistakes and I can’t live with myself knowing I am not forgiven.
He forgives me. He heals me. He makes me strong.
My faith leads me, guides me through the darkest of times.
I am whole in Him. I am content in Him.
He makes me new, giving me a fresh start. A fresh start to be better.
I am better…

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