Happiness

Wise men say

Happiness begins with

living.

With truly being free

and comfortable in who you are.

I’d say that these men are right.

I used to grasp for people’s hands,

rely on other broken hearted people

to ground me

and make me feel –

anything.

Then, I lost the person I love.

Then, I had to find myself again…

Find happiness again.

This is a commentary on happiness,

of being happy in yourself –

yourself alone.

People disappoint, people leave, and people can hurt you.

Living freely, comfortable in who you are

is the key

to happiness

Dust to Dust

Alone in the garden

I stumble upon an apple tree

But this is no ordinary tree – no

It has been in the family for generations

This tree is strength, creation, protection, love…

The tree sighs heavy breaths as it inhales and exhales

The cool summer air.

I breathe in sync with her

Admiring her branches that are so long

And wide

And have touched and seen so many beautiful things…

I pluck a small ruby apple from her grasp

So soft, so fragile

I hold it in my hands as I would a child. 

Beside me, an apple falls 

Too heavy and grown to be held by its mother

Any longer.

It’s wrinkled, inhabited by worms and turning brown. 

But it still has the warmth of life within its being. 

I compare the two –

One so pure, so fresh,

New to this world and naive.

The other old, tortured, dying…

This tree, with its veins deeply rooted into 

Nature

Into the truth,

Creates life.

She creates, nurtures, heals & speaks.

Breathes the air given to her with thankfulness

Knowing that her presence is a blessing a

And breathes life into those

That surround her. 

She is of the dust –

we are all of the dust…

Like the withering apple,

Crippled, crumpled & crinkled beside me

Decay & disease destroying it

From the inside out,

Life comes and goes so quickly

We are born from dust,

And to dust we will return… 

The Narcissist

The Narcissist

Self Absorbed   Abusive   Shallow   Ego Centric   Jealous   Manipulator    Liar    Sadistic  Unemotional   Angry    Conceited    Unapologetic   Devious   Sly   Self Serving   Convincing

“Innocent”…

The Narcissist

He is a snake that slithers silently around you, making his way up to your throat.  At first the touch is euphoric, until he begins to suffocate you, squeezing the air out of your lungs till you are nothing.

The Narcissist can see nothing but himself.

It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

See Me

You don’t see me.

You see your expectations of me.

You see a version of me that you want,

Or expect me to be.

 

They say “She’s a whore”,

“She’s dumb”

“She’s a bitch”

“She’s selfish”…

You don’t see me.

 

I don’t fit into a box,

I’m hard to understand,

I’m uniquely me.

The world refuses to see me.

Refuses to even try to understand my heart

Because I don’t fit a “type”.

 

They force stereotypes onto me.

Bombard me with skewed perceptions,

Hideous expectations.

They make me believe the lies.

No one sees me.

 

It’s lonely,

Knowing that the world

Doesn’t want to see me.

People I thought were friends,

People I was in love with,

Never knew me.

They never tried.

 

I just want

Someone

To

See 

me… 

 

 

I’m sorry. Forgive me…

Lord… I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for ignoring Your powerful voice.  For doing what I want in hopes that Your Will for my life will change to what I want, to what I see for myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for craving a man’s touch.  For seeking a man to give me comfort in times of discomfort instead of seeking You.  For letting the hopes of finding a man blind me and guide my every decision.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being selfish.  For being foolish, naïve, ignorant… I find bliss in my blindness.  Until it hurts.  Until it tears my heart apart and I find myself bleeding from all the mistakes.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive me despite all the brokenness, ugliness, selfishness and mindlessness driving my life and my choices.

Help me Lord.  Heal me.

I need You in every waking hour.  I need Your grace to fall upon me new every morning.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me…

 

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