Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

Reality

Reality sucks,

I hate it…

But I know it is coming for me.

I am perfectly comfortable

Living in the romanticism in my mind,

The dreams of my heart

And hopes for the future.

But now,

Everything feels like it’s crumbling –

Down, down, down…

Into the depths of despair.

I am scared.

 

I am scared of the realities of heartache.

I am scared of what is to come.

I am scared of starting over.

I am scared to forget…

But even more so to remember.

To remember the feel of his lips,

Of his hands

Gently searching my body

 

I am scared of pain.

The stabbing,

Burning,

Aching agony of the heart,

When it breaks

Reality will come for me,

It will come for my heart.

I am not ready for reality –

 

 

No One

The boys seemed to be kicking a large Bible.  I wanted to join them and play, but momma squeezed my hand and said I couldn’t – she was probably right.  After we started wearing the star of David, people didn’t seem to like us very much.  My friends didn’t want to play with me any more, they called me a rat.  I don’t know why because I look nothing like a rat!  I kind of have a big nose, but dad always tells me boys with bigger noses are the more manly ones.  I must be really manly.

I tripped over a book and momma snapped at me, “Be careful!”.

“Sorry momma!”

She has been so angry lately, I think she doesn’t like our new jobs.  Some men with really nice uniforms asked us to move into a small place that we share with two other families, and now momma and I go to work together everyday in new uniforms.  Work is so hard, and the bosses are always screaming at us.  Sometimes I cry from all the yelling, it makes me feel scared.  I keep working with my head down so momma never sees.

Every day, we walk through town together to get to work. There have been so many books on the streets lately!  I asked momma if I could keep one but apparently those books are no good and that’s why they are being thrown out.  It makes me glad I don’t own any books.

I saw a man holding a rock, he was snarling like a dog!  And he was running towards us!

“Jüdischer Abschaum!”

Momma fell to the ground.

“Momma!”

I bent over to help her up, I tried to lift her body and be strong, but I couldn’t.  She stayed on the ground holding her head, she was lying on her side like my baby sister does.

I looked for the man that threw a rock at her while yelling “Jewish Scum” – why would he do that?  And where did he go?

Momma’s head was bleeding badly.  She touched her head, looked at her fingers covered in blood and then her eyes rolled to the back of her head.  I got scared, she wasn’t moving!

My eyes filled with tears.  I could not cry when momma needed me most!

“Help!  Someone please help!  My momma is hurt!  Her head – it’s, it’s bleeding!”

No one came…

 

 

 

God gave me You

My love for you is blinding.

It shields the depression that forces me to sink into darkness,

as if an anchor is tied to my foot.

But my love for you – it saves me.

It heals,

teaches,

and respects.

I see the good in life because of you.

I forgive – imagine that!

I live in the present with you,

I forget the past hurts and pains of this life,

All because God gave me you.

You, the love of my life.

You have saved me from myself.

You have encouraged me to grow & become the woman He wants me to be.

I thank God every day for you.

For the all consuming love we share…

 

The Kiss

The kiss-

Oh that one kiss,
It changed my life 
Forever. 
It had been six months. 
Six long months since I knew 
I wanted you. 
I needed you. 
I craved you. 
Six suffocating months of swallowing my feelings,
Feigning hate because admitting my love for you was just too hard. 
You didn’t want me. 
I had to not want you either…
Six months. 
Then, 
You came to me. 
Everything changed in just a few moments- 
Oh those precious moments…
We talked. 
We argued. 
We made up. 
You held me, 
I wanted to cry. 
I didn’t know I could miss an embrace so badly.  
I didn’t want to let go. 
I didn’t want to lose you again  
You stared into my eyes, into my soul. 
You saw me, the real me, for the first time. 
Finally, your lips reunited with mine. 
So tender,
So strong,
So full of depth 
And emotion… 
Never have I experienced something so 
Mind boggling 
Beautiful 
Painful 
Passionate 
Exhilarating 
Intoxicating… 
My stomach turned in knots
Tears welled up in my eyes. 
I never wanted it to end,
The kiss 
That changed my life- 
Our lives 
Forever. 

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

I Think, I Don’t Think by Robert M. Drake

I think

you like the idea

of feeling

too much,

of experiencing

too much

and letting the things

inside you

float away.

I think

you want people

to notice you

but want others

to think that

isolation pumps through

your veins.

I think

you care

too much

but you pretend

as if

nothing bothers you.

I think

you want people

to miss you

but only

the right ones.

I think

you like breaking

apart

but only because

you know by morning

you’ll be

yourself again.

I think

you like being chased

because you want

to be saved

and loved

with the same intensity

an earthquake

would bring.

I think

you want the world

to remember you

but you don’t have

the slightest clue

on becoming memorable.

I think

you want delicate hands

to surf over

your skin

but you think

you’re too hard

for soft hands.

I think

of all these things

and it couldn’t be

more true,

that like me,

you just need someone

to catch you

and tell you

how much they know you –

to reveal

little things about you,

that you

yourself ignore.

I think

the star in you

wants to give light

to other people

and I think

I need it

to help me

find my way.

And, like you,

I think

and feel these things

deeply…

and I know we need

each other…

if ever,

we think

we want

a proper shot

at love.

Magnets

Magnets.

They pull together.

One is drawn towards the other.

It is their nature.

You hold the magnets just close enough, you can’t pull them apart.

The draw is too strong.

 

We pulled apart.  It felt unnatural.  Sudden.

Yet, the draw is there.

You came back.

I never left.

 

We tried so hard to move one, to live our lives apart.

But now, here we are.

Staring into each other’s eyes hating and loving how strongly we care for each other.

How connected we are.

It’s in our nature.

 

We tried to force a change.  But like magnets, we were made for this connection.

We couldn’t pull apart successfully.  We came back together.

You were drawn to me despite everything.

I’m drawn to you.  To your spirit.  To your heart.

My heart tugs and pulls in your direction no matter how hard I try to fight it.

 

I’m linked to you.  We are linked together.

Our spirits can’t help but come back together.  They tug at us till we are joined again.

Like magnets, we can’t help it.

This force that is inexplicably powerful.

This force that brings me back to you.

 

 

 

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