Spiraling

Spiraling

Into madness.

My brain

So anomalistic

Idiosyncratic

Unparagoned

Encumbered.

It hurts

Oh how it hurts.

My thoughts

Cut through my mind

Sharp

Painful

Bloody…

I’m bleeding.

A cocaphony

In my brain.

Loud, confusing, caustic.

I’m spiraling

Down

Down

Deeper still.

Indelicate black tunnels

Pull me farther in.

I can’t see now.

I feel the ghosts

Of my past

Tug at me.

I’m pulling apart.

Spiraling into

Lurid dreams.

I’m not dreaming.

I’m failing.

I’m guilty, lost, crazed, unsure.

The spiral is long,

I’m still falling deeper,

Deeper still.

Talk to Me

Talk to me

Say something

One word

Just one

Please…

I need –

I need to know

Where you stand

With me.

Say something.

What do you feel,

What do you think,

What have I done wrong…

I want to explode

I want to rip my hair out

One by one.

These thoughts

They attack me

Like a swarm of bees

Like a hurricane

Like fire.

I’m burning

Slowly melting

into

Nothing.

My body shakes

With fear

Of what you’ll say.

But just say it.

My heart may shatter

My life may end

But I need to know.

Talk to me…

What are you doing? What am I thinking?

What is going on? First you love me, you make me feel special, happy… Then you realize you need to work on yourself.  Okay fine, I’ll be here with you through the process.  But wait, it gets better!  You get back with your ex right after you rip my heart out with your words.

I cried myself to sleep for days on end.  I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, but why?  You’re the one who drinks to forget, you’re the one who doesn’t love yourself, and you’re the one who went back to the woman who made your hair fall out!  By all means, enjoy yourself!

Fast forward.

I’m thriving.  Succeeding in almost every area of my life.  Working on myself, my faith and becoming a stronger woman.  We speak again.  You mention not being happy – I’m not surprised.  But then, you say you’re still torn, torn over ME.  What do you mean?

“You had your chance.  You messed up.”  I say.

Do I believe that?

Why is my heart racing?

He continues to say he’s sorry and that I was right (as usual).  He says he still cares.  That “hypothetically” we could try again.

I’m blushing.

I like the idea.

No! I tell myself.  What are you doing even considering this man who used you and tossed you to the side as easily as a piece of trash?  You don’t deserve that!

What am I thinking?

Why does his voice tempt me still?  I thought I was over it?

But after that conversation, I don’t know what to think…

All I know that he hurt me and he has a lot of work to do on himself.

What do I know about myself?  I’m doing well, I love my life and my independence… but now what?  Let a confused man ruin all that?

Of course not!

Yet, my heart weighs heavy.

What do I do?  What do I think?

I Hate This…

It consumes me. It’s all I think about. I want to lash out. I want to hit you.
My heart aches. It pounds quickly. It feels like my heart is trying to escape my chest.
I cry. The tears burn my eyes. I’m so angry.
This isn’t rational, I know. But I can’t stop.
I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me.
I can’t stop replaying each conversation, wishing I had said what I really wanted to.
My body is shaking. I’m gasping for air. I need to destroy something.
I see you almost every day. You act so cool and collected. Nothing bothers you.
You have no emotion. No care for anyone or anything other than yourself.
That’s what I hate. You simply don’t care. Yet I care too much.
I care so much that I want to explode.
I want to scream and lash out. I want to tell you the truth.
But it doesn’t matter.
You don’t matter.
I’m so angry. It consumes me.
You consume me.
You hold so much power over me – I hate it.
I hate this…

The Mind

The sun is shining but I’m left in the dark.
A fog blurs my mind like a haunting ghost.

It’s warm outside,
But my body is still cold.

What is wrong with me?
Should I drink some tea?
Can I ignore the tension in my brain?

Oh you’re fine, my mind reassures me.
Maybe it’s lack of sleep!
Tossing and turning in bed all night,
Staring at the mesmerizing moonlight.

I stand in the mirror,
A figure stares back at me.

Hello?
Who is that?

Grey eyes look into mine,
Dark circles hang beneath like heavy clouds,
Clouds ready to burst.

Cheeks are gaunt,
Lips are pursed.
Unattractive.

Am I too skinny?
Do I eat more?

I sit with a plate of food before me,
But I’m not hungry,
Never am because of the pills,
The pills that get me through the day.

My body hurts for no reason,
Muscles sting with each movement,
A knife sits on the table,

Should I make it worse?
Add to the pain that already exists?
No.

It’s warm outside,
And my body is still cold.

I hold on to what I know,
My reality.
The fog in my mind,
And the ache combined.

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