Weak Heart

It feels like years since I last saw you,

since I last held you…

When I try to think about life without you,

my heart can’t handle it.

I collapse from the brokenness,

the shards stabbing my weak heart.

I try to give it back to you,

begging you to take my heart back.

Please take my weak heart,

tie it to yours,

so it can be strong again.

The lonely strands,

that were torn from you,

are weighing me down.

I miss you

I need you

I love you

My weak heart won’t make it without you…

A Prayer for My First Love

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this season of challenges, personal growth & most of all good memories.  You have poured out your blessings unto me and I am forever grateful for the home I have, the health and safety of those I love, and the beautiful relationship I had with G.

I am so beyond thankful for having him be a part of my story.  He is my first love.  We shared so many beautiful moments together, and I learned what love truly is with him.  He taught me countless numbers of things like how to cook chicken on the stove, how to fish, how to compromise, how to forgive, how to love… And he taught me how to love myself.  He made me feel so special and so incredibly beautiful all the time.

Thank you for getting us through these past couple of months.  We suffered deaths in our lives this winter that were absolutely heart breaking.  I am so blessed that I had him to console me and help me grieve the loss of my longest friend, Ginger.  And I pray that I was helpful and comforting to him as he grieved the loss of friends and his grandfather.  All I ever wanted to do was make him happy and make his life a little bit more bearable than it was before.

Father, I will miss the love we shared.  I will miss his sleep talking at night, the way he would roll over and hug me in the mornings, whispering sweet nothings into my ear while I pretended to be asleep.  I will miss his goofy faces, his laugh and jokes I never really understood.  Mostly, I will miss the way he looked at me – like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world.  I’ll miss his beautiful smile and the feel of his body against mine.

I will never stop loving him Lord, but I pray that he is able to heal the brokenness in his heart.  Allow him to succeed and I ask that he gets everything he wants out of life in You.  I pray he never forgets me… I pray he never forgets the feel of my skin, the scent of my hair, my smile or the color of my eyes… I pray he never forgets the way I looked at him, he was my world.

Let us both remember the good memories, like when we went to see Christmas lights and I met his sister and niece for the first time – oh, how I was so nervous!  May we remember bowling together, cuddling up and watching Jack Ryan or Fringe, going on our daily walks during quarantine, playing Crash Bandicoot for hours on end, paddle boarding in the summer sun, laying in bed and talking about everything and nothing all at once, doing life together as a team…

Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing.  He made me the happiest I had ever been, and the saddest.  Thank you for teaching us so much about each other, ourselves and what love is.  I pray that he and I are able to reconnect in the future and at least become friends again.

Bless us with beautiful marriages, whether that is with other people or back together.

I pray that he is able to forgive me for the cruel and harsh things I have said to him… I yelled at him and acted so mean!  All the things I hate!  May he find it in his heart to understand, to forgive, and to remember me – us – fondly.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

The Narcissist

The Narcissist

Self Absorbed   Abusive   Shallow   Ego Centric   Jealous   Manipulator    Liar    Sadistic  Unemotional   Angry    Conceited    Unapologetic   Devious   Sly   Self Serving   Convincing

“Innocent”…

The Narcissist

He is a snake that slithers silently around you, making his way up to your throat.  At first the touch is euphoric, until he begins to suffocate you, squeezing the air out of your lungs till you are nothing.

The Narcissist can see nothing but himself.

It’s so Strange…

It’s so strange how a good thing goes bad in an instant.

All the good memories are flooded with the bad, with the lies, the abuse, the hurt.

It’s so strange how one can fall out of love so quickly. I’ve never been that one.

I love with my whole heart, I put my all into relationships – but then they end.

I know it’s for the best as I look back at all the things he couldn’t give me. Not even flowers – imagine that!

So I walked away, painfully, but it needed to be done. My heart still aches for him despite all the bad.

Food has no taste, all I want to do is sleep, but then I dream of him and force my body to wake up just to find another distraction. Anything to keep my mind off the hurt.

I loved him, and he would say it back. But he never really knew what love was. If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me. He wouldn’t disappear for days at a time, blatantly ignoring my messages.

If he loved me, he would’ve changed. But I can’t wait for change. I can’t wait on him to be the man I thought he was. That’s not fair for either of us.

It’s so strange when you picture a future with someone, but as time goes on it becomes dimmer and dimmer to non existent…

Anxiety

Tossing & Turning

Waiting for Morning

Waiting for a Distraction

Any Distraction

 

My Ribs are Caving In

Butterflies Racing in My Stomach

My Heart Racing Faster

When Will This End?

 

I am Nervous

I am Afraid

I am Powerless

 

The Anxiety in My Head

Attacking My Body

No Relief

No Peace

No Serenity

 

Only Anxiety

Her Spirit

Her spirit knows there is something wrong before it is physically manifested.  She has anxious, looming thoughts and feelings about the future.  At night, her body curls up as she dreams of the depressing inevitable.  She awakes, shaking, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.  “No”, she begs.  “Please no…”

The days continue on, the same foreboding ache in her heart.  She tries to ignore it, ignore the signs.  But then. it’s too late.  It is physical, it is real, it has been verbalized into the world.  There is no going back.

Her spirit warned her, tried to protect her heart.  And yet, there was still hurt.  Instead of nightmares, her nights were filled with tears.  Crying until there was nothing left to cry about.  Food lost taste, the sun didn’t bring her joy, she stopped leaving the house.

Her spirit knew what was coming, but a warning didn’t help her broken heart.  Months would go by, full of sadness, loneliness and depressive thoughts.  But one day, her spirit reassured her, she would be whole again.  The hurt would be gone, her brokenness would be healed, and she could live & love once again.

 

If Only He Loved Me…

If he loves me, he will try.

If he loves me, he won’t yell.

If he loves me, he will communicate.

If he loves me, he will listen.

If he loves me, he won’t leave.

But –

If he does not, he will walk away.

 

If I love myself, I will not let his anger affect me.

I can not wait for change, when the waiting is what hurts.

It hurts,

aches,

stings my heart.

If only he loved me…

 

 

Creativity can NOT be Contained

“Your intro needs to look like this…”

“Don’t be cliché…”

“Your character should be relatable…”

“Make sure there is a point to your writing…”

I have heard these comments constantly when reviewing a written work.

You know what I say to those kinds of writing rules?

To hell with them.

Writing is a free, emotional outlet – so write what makes you happy.  Write what you feel, what you think, what you’ve experienced.  Write ANYTHING.  Your writing might suck, but who cares! Writing is for expression and it can be messy, confusing and awful at times, but that doesn’t mean you should stop or confine yourself with rules.

Don’t let anyone define creative writing.  Those are the people who want to confine the beauty of creativity into a box, and creativity can not be contained.

So let it out, write what you want, write how you want, and use your voice!

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

two steps ahead, ten steps behind

my walls have shed, love is so blind

I give you my all, but you don’t have the time.

 

two steps ahead

and I’m running for your love,

it’s too good to be true,

I feel up and above.

 

ten steps behind

I’m crying in the dark,

my trust was questioned

and it broke my heart.

 

two steps ahead, ten steps behind,

love hurts my head, but we’re still intertwined.

trust must be dead, impossible to find,

so I lay in bed, broken and confined.

 

 

 

Where is the Church? – thoughts on recent events

You’re confused.

Lost.

Dazed.

 

Where am I?

Was I driving?

Then it hits – I am being arrested.

Images of people dying on the news by the hand of our “protectors” flash in your mind –

“I’m next,” you think.

So you begin to fight,

To resist,

To run…

BANG

BANG

“It was his fault!”

“That was warranted.”

“What did he think was going to happen?”

 

A man was murdered for a mistake.

Murdered for being confused & scared.

Shot in the back,

The back,

Twice.

 

BANG

BANG

 

What if this man was your father?

Your husband?

Your son?

Your brother?

 

Would you think such a killing was warranted?

Would you support the man behind the trigger?

All because your loved one may have been a danger,

But in the end wasn’t a danger at all?

 

BANG

BANG

 

“Thou shall not kill.”

Has the church really become so fickle?

So fickle that some killings are deemed just and others are evil?

Why is that?

Have we lost the ability to see injustice,

To speak up for our brothers and sisters in Christ?

 

How has the human life become so disposable?

Invaluable?

Worthless?

 

No child of God can possibly condone the countless unjustifiable deaths taking place around us.

Where is the church in the midst of all this?

 

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