Author: theblondequill

I am beautifully broken. I am human. I make mistakes, I learn, I write.

Happiness

Wise men say

Happiness begins with

living.

With truly being free

and comfortable in who you are.

I’d say that these men are right.

I used to grasp for people’s hands,

rely on other broken hearted people

to ground me

and make me feel –

anything.

Then, I lost the person I love.

Then, I had to find myself again…

Find happiness again.

This is a commentary on happiness,

of being happy in yourself –

yourself alone.

People disappoint, people leave, and people can hurt you.

Living freely, comfortable in who you are

is the key

to happiness…

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Dust to Dust

Alone in the garden

I stumble upon an apple tree

But this is no ordinary tree – no

It has been in the family for generations

This tree is strength, creation, protection, love…

The tree sighs heavy breaths as it inhales and exhales

The cool summer air.

I breathe in sync with her

Admiring her branches that are so long

And wide

And have touched and seen so many beautiful things…

I pluck a small ruby apple from her grasp

So soft, so fragile

I hold it in my hands as I would a child. 

Beside me, an apple falls 

Too heavy and grown to be held by its mother

Any longer.

It’s wrinkled, inhabited by worms and turning brown. 

But it still has the warmth of life within its being. 

I compare the two –

One so pure, so fresh,

New to this world and naive.

The other old, tortured, dying…

This tree, with its veins deeply rooted into 

Nature

Into the truth,

Creates life.

She creates, nurtures, heals & speaks.

Breathes the air given to her with thankfulness

Knowing that her presence is a blessing a

And breathes life into those

That surround her. 

She is of the dust –

we are all of the dust…

Like the withering apple,

Crippled, crumpled & crinkled beside me

Decay & disease destroying it

From the inside out,

Life comes and goes so quickly

We are born from dust,

And to dust we will return… 

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Surely Love is Enough

Surely love is enough.

The love I have for you

That consumes me

And fills me with 

Endless butterflies

Is enough. 

Love is freeing,

I can relax knowing

That I have found

Something so real

So raw. 

But,

It’s not everything

I thought it would be…

Yes, it is freeing

And fun,

Yet I feel so 

Constrained. 

I am defined 

By you.

Defined by the lack

Of effort you put in.

Defined by your

Angry words 

That you spit at me

Like a viper 

When you drink 

Your poison.

You poison me. 

Surely love should be enough.

Even in the joy and the giddiness,

I find myself drowning,

Like I am caught in a hurricane

Frantically moving to stay afloat,

But relief never comes. 

I am consumed by the reckless waves… 

Why isn’t love enough… 

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Your Ocean

I’m swimming through dark waters,

Lost in your ocean.

My lungs collapse under the pressure,

I feel like I’m going mad.

You are ahead of me,

Your dark hair waving in the water,

Your eyes sparkle in the moonlight.

I saw it for a second – just one second,

Before you faded into the blackness,

Between the beams of light from

Mother Moon.

My body works frantically to find you,

To swim to you.

Why’d you turn away?

I look behind me, blackness follows.

I lost myself in your ocean,

Only to be stuck between you

and my old self…

I peer through stormy currents

to stare at the Golden Crescent.

“Do I turn back?” I asked her.

“Or do I keep fighting for him?”

My eyes burned for staring at her,

waiting for an answer.

For hope.

For anything…

Your ocean consumed me,

The dark blues and blacks

clouded my mind, my heart, my soul.

I succumbed my body to the darkness

till there was nothing left…

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Fate or Destiny

Why?

Why does it all have to be so confusing?

Complicated –

Convoluted –

Completely out of my control….

I told myself I was done – forever.

But then I saw you again,

in my dreams.

Every night for a week,

I dreamt of you.

I saw your chocolate eyes,

your broad smile,

felt the whiskers on your face

against my cheek.

I felt love for you again.

It felt like I was drowning,

I couldn’t breathe and

my body was weak and-

and –

it was amazing.

Being near you made me feel whole again.

Then, I open my eyes

to the reality that you are gone…

After all the tears, the fighting, yelling and total emotional torture,

why do I crave you?

Why does my heart yearn for you,

even in my unconsciousness?

Could it even be possible for us to work again?

Does fate tempt us

until we make the decision to part indefinitely,

Or

Does destiny keep bringing us

back together because we are meant to be?

Why?

Why does it all have to be so confusing?

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Let Go

I was scared,

holding onto the

only love I’ve ever known.

I was holding onto

the old us.

In the beginning,

you tried,

you made me happy,

and I was a priority.

You bought me little gifts,

sent me sweet morning texts,

surprised me at work,

and actually made time for me.

Then, months went by and –

everything changed.

You stopped trying,

and I was working

so hard to keep a dead relationship

alive.

You killed me,

trying to make you happy

killed me.

I was scared to let go

of the man I thought you were.

You aren’t that man anymore.

Love – true love – shouldn’t

be so completely difficult,

stressful,

painful…

I was scared to let go,

but now I know

you were never worthy of

my love.

I’ve let go.

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Remember

Remember the smoke that tormented the air,

Like demons waiting for death.

The same smoke that forcefully filled the lungs of our people…

Remember the floors falling endlessly,

From right underneath their feet.

Did you hear the screams?

The pleas for help?

The cries for loved ones?

Do you remember the people who fought

Those demons despite their fear?

Do you remember that horrific day?

Please, remember the lives of those cherished and lost…

Remember that day, when our nation came together in unity,

Despite our differences.

Please –

Remember…

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Broken People by Robert M. Drake

I yearn for broken things.

For the things

that make drunk lovers

fall into eachother

in the middle of the night

and the things

that keep them up

while the rest of the world

is asleep.

I love you,

I need you to break me,

and I don’t want you

to apologize

for it

at all.

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You are my Poison

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Even as you spit venom from your mouth,

In between the sweet nothings

That truly mean nothing at all.

But they mean the world to me.

 

I can’t get enough.

 

The venom hurts, then it burns, then it begins to corrode my veins.

I feel my heart slowly dying,

My legs collapsing under me,

And yet,

I come back for more.

 

I can’t stop myself from loving you,

Loving the lies,

The pain,

The pure toxicity of it all.

You are my poison,

& I can’t get enough…

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What Do I Want?

It’s been a year since I’ve asked myself, what do I want?

I’ve been consumed with making a toxic relationship healthy,

Consumed with making everyone happy and sometimes forgetting myself…

I was content giving a man my all, loving him with my whole heart,

Giving and giving and giving till there was nothing left to give…

And he never gave back.

I was happy because I was in love –

in love with the wrong person –

But I didn’t know that at the time.

I was happy pouring my love into someone that made me feel whole.

Now I feel empty inside.

Now I feel like I can never be happy again.

Now I feel like I can never love again.

So now, here I am,

Alone and unsure of how to move forward.

Again I ask: What do I want?

Firstly, I want to feel happy and whole on my own.

I want to study hard, work hard, and pursue healthy relationships.

I want to travel.  I need to see the world.

I want to write more.

I want to feel more.

I want to find myself.

I want to know what the future holds.

And I want – I want to love again…

I want to be okay again…..

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