What are you doing? What am I thinking?

What is going on? First you love me, you make me feel special, happy… Then you realize you need to work on yourself.  Okay fine, I’ll be here with you through the process.  But wait, it gets better!  You get back with your ex right after you rip my heart out with your words.

I cried myself to sleep for days on end.  I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, but why?  You’re the one who drinks to forget, you’re the one who doesn’t love yourself, and you’re the one who went back to the woman who made your hair fall out!  By all means, enjoy yourself!

Fast forward.

I’m thriving.  Succeeding in almost every area of my life.  Working on myself, my faith and becoming a stronger woman.  We speak again.  You mention not being happy – I’m not surprised.  But then, you say you’re still torn, torn over ME.  What do you mean?

“You had your chance.  You messed up.”  I say.

Do I believe that?

Why is my heart racing?

He continues to say he’s sorry and that I was right (as usual).  He says he still cares.  That “hypothetically” we could try again.

I’m blushing.

I like the idea.

No! I tell myself.  What are you doing even considering this man who used you and tossed you to the side as easily as a piece of trash?  You don’t deserve that!

What am I thinking?

Why does his voice tempt me still?  I thought I was over it?

But after that conversation, I don’t know what to think…

All I know that he hurt me and he has a lot of work to do on himself.

What do I know about myself?  I’m doing well, I love my life and my independence… but now what?  Let a confused man ruin all that?

Of course not!

Yet, my heart weighs heavy.

What do I do?  What do I think?

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